There are seven territories of in-law personalities in this great country of ours. Each has its own unique flavor.
1. West Coast In-Laws (California, Oregon, Washington)
Three words: Burning Man Festival. Your in-laws live where Manifest Destiny carried them. They come from a long line of gold hunters—those in search of a truer, richer way of life. With every single Napa Valley wine they uncork, or Starbucks coffee they brew, or macrobiotic muffin they bake, they judge you for not living the way they do. “Oh, West Coast people are more laid back.” Really? They’re ultra-aggressive about lifestyle choices and the forty-hour workweek! How do you deal with your West Coast in-laws?
- Compliment their tan. Their sunglasses. Their shapely mountain-bike sculpted legs. They’ll eat it up (those egotists!). And coo when they mention how they fly seaplanes to their island house, and how the orca whales and pristine wilderness are their backyard. Blah, blah, blah. Make sure to note how very fresh the air is, even if it’s making your allergies act up.
- Read up on renewable energy resources: wind power, solar energy, and corn-powered cars. Tell them that you’re already on the waiting list for one (a waiting list made of recycled paper, no less).
How to dress: In flannel and Tevas with thick socks.
What not to do: Smoke cigarettes. Joints, however, are cool.
2. Rocky Mountain In-Laws (Colorado, Montana, Idaho, Utah)
Your rugged in-laws know a thing or two about machinery. They can plow. They can drive a tractor. They can dig a deep hole with a backhoe (and I’m talking about Aunt Trudy on dialysis here). They can also wrangle sheep on a mountain without the help of a gay lover (no matter what that movie said). How do you impress in-laws that live in winter for nine months a year and are known to wrestle bears for sport?
- If your weenie job as an economics professor hasn’t prepared you for life with these in-laws, buying a picture book about tractors and trucks—something a five-year-old boy would drool over—will help. At least you’ll know your trenchers from your dozers and your grapple log skidders from your pipe layers.
