- Learn the key players in “the Confederacy.” How many times have you met a southerner named Jefferson Davis? Billions? Every street, building, and public school is named after these folks: Stonewall Jackson, Robert E. Lee, Jeb Stuart, Alexander Stephens, P. T. Beauregard, or Nathan Bedford Forrest. But please never, ever mention the Destroyer-of-the-South, Yankee General Sherman. He’s still on their “list,” 150 years later.
- Talk the talk. Know southern sport rivalries and which side you’re on with the Tar Heels vs. Blue Devils, LSU vs. Ole Miss, and Tennessee Volunteers vs. Kentucky Wildcats.
How to dress: Something bright and feminine from your mother’s closet.
What not to do: Don’t call it the “Civil War.” It’s the “War of Northern Aggression.”
6. Northeast Corridor In-Laws (Ohio, Pennsylvania, and up through Maine)
If you or anyone you’re related to went to a fancy school, now’s the time to mention it. New Englanders love to think “they know better,” and that “they are smarter,” and that they “vote correctly.” They can push up their dark-framed glasses and snub you with their “Plymouth Rock” crap.
The crowded cities and suburbs of Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Cincinnati, New York, and Boston mean one thing—your in-laws are the diversity in America. They smother you with affection because a hundred other relatives live down the street.
- Join the rat race. You must keep up with the Joneses—the family that you can see from the bay window in your in-laws’ kitchen. Last week, the competition was about the house gutters. They won. This week it’s about you. Who has the sweetest daughter-in-law?
- Your northern in-laws have summer homes in non-warm places like Nantucket. What’s the point?
How to dress: Like you just fell out of the J. Crew catalog.
What not to do: Mention that you didn’t vote in the last election.
7. Midwest In-Laws (Indiana to Missouri, up to North Dakota and Michigan)
If a giant, two-headed reptilian monster was heading toward your in-laws’ subdivision, they would smile and wave. Your in-laws are that friendly and nice. Sometimes it’s creepy. Like the time they offered a teenager a ride back to his college campus—it looked an awful lot like kidnapping.
