No, I do not love this man. I stopped loving him years ago. And God will get me for my thoughts, or maybe that is what is happening now. I cannot tell you how many times I have hoped his heart will stop while he indulging in his world. I cannot tell you how often I have thought of killing me and the children just to get away from this. At this point in my life I am just waiting to die. Why? Because there seems no way out. And for those of you who say there is, when you have no money, no job, and no where to go, there is no way out. A shelter. Okay, been there, and was only allowed to stay for three days. Then what? Come back here. I know in my heart that I have failed myself and my children. I cannot tell you how much I hate myself for this. And I do not even like the word HATE. But when you live this life you hate yourself. I do not want pity, that is not why I am writing this. It is an outlet for my anger at myself for failing my children. I know they will most likely have bad relationships in the adult life. I see the symptoms now. My two oldest girls are so insecure it makes my heart break even more. My son does not want to have a relationship with anyone and he is sixteen. Not normal. My baby, she is fourteen and does not want to live here anymore. She ask me could she live with her best friend. My second child is getting ready to move in with her boyfriend that she cares for but does not love, only to get out of this house. My oldest, well she never stays here if she can help it. Change cloths, and leave. Always with friends. I just found out a few days ago, she has taken up drinking. So to say the least I have created another set of lost children to contribute to this already messed up society. Not what I had dreamed of over twenty years ago.
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You need alanon. have you ever gone to an alanon meeting? You can meet other people in the same situation and they will help you get your life back,whether your husband is using or not.
Debbie, I understand all to well how hard it is to feel good about yourself when you are going through mental abuse. What I had to do is I gave my mom money when ever I could. When there got to be enough I packed up my stuff, and left, got a restraining order, and found a safe haven. I went to another town. Finally he was arrested and went to prision where he died. It took me along time and three marriages before I got mentally well. I did it with the help of my church, my lord, my scripuures and many books on co-dependency. It is a tuff road to hall. You can do it. There are agency out there who can help. There are sights on the internet that you can find that will help you and your children escape. Find some one that you can trust. Start making plans for your departure. Have someone hide clothes, food, and money where he can't find it. Find a bank in a neighboring city or state and put the account in another name, like your maiden name. Have faith god is with you.
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