I sit here wondering how did I allow my life to become such a mess. I started out so strong as a teenager, good job, promising future, in control of my life and very happy.
Something went wrong along the way, so many things went wrong along the way. Things that were out of my control. But I still blame myself for not handling all those situations better. It started when my father got sick, heart disease, I saw him suffer for two long years, he went from being my father to someone I didn’t know. He was there to save me, and then he was gone. Eight years now, and I still miss him. On the day of my wedding, he couldn’t eat anything, he couldn’t stand, and was uncomfortable sitting, in other words he couldn’t enjoy the day. He couldn’t walk me up the whole aisle in the church so another relative did most of it and he stood one pew away from the spot where he was to give me away, and he did it, even though it was uncomfortable for him, he did it. Since his death, I haven’t really had a family, I don’t really know my sisters all that well, they are significantly older than me and we never really got along. And my mother, well, lets just say, we don’t get along.
I tried to open a business, in fact I opened my own business when I was twenty-five, I thought that it would work for sure, it failed horrible, I had to close up within one year. You would think that owning a business is something that a mother would be proud of, but, not my mother, she never came by to see my place. Was never really interested. My father was too sick to get out of bed at the time so he couldn’t come. None of my sisters ever came by either.
I think I spent all my life trying to please my mother, just to hear her say the words, “I am proud of you.” Those words were never uttered by her. I tried to be the perfect teenager, the perfect adult. But none of this pleased her. I have seen her compliment other people, just for being themselves, I always wanted her to do that for me. But I guess that is one thing that will never happen in my lifetime. My family seems to hope that things go wrong with me, they are never pleased when things go right for me. They have no idea what a mess my life is now, none, I never told them.
I think I’ll have to write my life story in short articles, cause if I write it all here, I’ll be writing for days
So, more to come soon.
