Tips for Long-distance Caregiving

Let’s say you live in Maine, but your parents, ages eighty-eight and ninety, live in Florida. As the eldest—or perhaps only—adult child, you’re the designated caregiver. How do you manage?
 
With difficulty, if you’re like most of us. For three years I was responsible for my mother’s care in Shreveport, Louisiana, a job for which I had far too little patience, and even less aptitude. Instead of going it alone, I found many sources of help. And along the way, I learned important lessons.
 
Lessons Learned:
 
I learned to be grateful for all the things my mother had done to make my job easier: having a will, organizing her papers, and saving enough money to provide for herself. I also learned to be thankful for college friends who provided me with a home-away-from-home and their spare car when I came to visit.
 
I learned to appreciate the network of friends in Brunswick, Maine, and in Shreveport who took me out to dinner, made me laugh, and insisted on going for long walks and to the movies. And I learned to be grateful for my best friend who brought clothes, soap, shampoo, and sandwiches to me during the long days and nights of the two-and-a-half weeks that Mother was dying.
 
Before her death, however, during the time I was back home in Maine, I often received three to five phone calls a day telling me that she had fallen, that her medications were upsetting her, or that she was anxious.
 
Sometimes all I wanted to do was throw my hands up in despair. Instead, I took training in active listening so I could learn to listen with empathy to all the telephone complaints and respond appropriately. In doing so, I learned to have compassion for this strong, independent woman, my mother, who now needed my support. And I learned to ask for divine guidance so that I could provide it.
 
After many missteps, I learned that it is helpful to have a plan, to stay organized, and that no matter how hard you try, some things are always going to go wrong.
 
Survival Kit:

1. Take time to review your parents’ advance health-care directives, living wills, and health-care power of attorney documents. Or consider the use of The Five Wishes booklet, available online or at your local hospice. This guide helps your parents express how they want to be treated if seriously ill and unable to speak for themselves. It is unique among all other living will and health agent forms because it addresses all needs: medical, personal, emotional, and spiritual.
 
2. Designate an area in your home to handle paperwork. You may want to buy a special desk and small filing cabinet to use for that purpose.