Hallmark Hell, Just in Time for Mother’s Day

This past Sunday, I found myself standing in the local Hallmark store, staring at my shopping list. I needed cards for my mother and my ex-mother-in-law for Mother’s Day in two weeks. In addition, my parents’ anniversary is the day after the holiday, so is my niece’s and her husband of one year.

My ex-mother-in-law, whom I still see regularly, is a very sweet woman. However, Hallmark simply doesn’t make “Happy Mother’s Day to My Ex-Mother-In-Law” cards. That’s too many syllables and too convoluted a concept even for the people who invented Grandparent’s Day and annually come up with new “Happy Administrative Assistant’s Day” cards. But Elaine is also very easy to please, so I was able to find something rather quickly in the “For Anybody” section of the Mother’s Day aisle. Now came the part I was dreading.

“Mom,” the first card I tried for my own mother read, “you were always there with a tender word and a soft voice … ” Put that one down; tried another. “To my Mom, you always supported me with a hug and a kind word … ” Stuck that one back in a hurry. “Mother, your sweet and gentle ways … ” Couldn’t put that one back fast enough. 

OK, I love my mother. My mother is intelligent, strong, and capable. My mother helps children and little old ladies, and held down a full-time job while keeping the house immaculate and cooking every meal from scratch every day for forty years. But my mother is not sweet or gentle or tender. For those of you who are old enough to remember this reference, imagine General George S. Patton, but five feet tall, with breasts. And less patience. Without going into graphic details, suffice it to say that my mother is a loud, demanding, intolerant, hyperactive control freak, who frequently does wonderful things for everyone around her, so you can’t even stay mad at her. But just try to find a Mother’s Day card that fits. 

I swear, after ten minutes of searching, I had picked up every card in the damned store with no luck. Three other women had come and gone in that time, looking the cards over, making their selections with mushy little smiles, and happily leaving.