I Miss My Mom

Every time we entered into a battle of words and rejection from him, I cried for guidance from above.  I felt that I had been abandoned, as I had no one to turn to.  In time he came to learn that we were going to be his forever family.  It didn’t hit me how much he missed by not having my mother in his life.  I only knew of my daughter’s and my loss.

I now know for the first time in our sixteen years together that he really appreciates my Dad.  You see, my Dad flew cross-country to see my boy when he graduated from high school. Four months later, my Dad flew cross-country to se my boy graduate from Marine boot camp.  And one year ago, my Dad flew cross-country to see my boy, now really a man, graduate from the state’s Police Academy as a State Trooper where he now lives.  My son was never outwardly demonstrative about it and never said much to my Dad but two months ago, when he went out West to see some of “his Marines’, he took a detour to the state where my Dad lives to take my Dad and my step-mother out for breakfast and spent the day with them.  My Dad, who is battling another round of a different cancer in a year, called us proud as punch to tell us his grandson had come to visit and how proud he was when another retiree on the base congratulated him for having such a fine “son.”  My Dad’s response, according to what he told me, was “Sir, I am proud of this young man that I would be proud to call my son but he is my grandson so I AM DOUBLY PROUD.”

He is now my “oldest son” as fifteen years ago, I remarried and my new husband and I had a son fifteen months later. There is almost twenty years between our youngest son and my daughter.  My first thought after giving birth was “I miss my Mom.”  When she died (I can say that word but it makes me cry even now), she had no grandsons and now I have two that she never met.  And I need her because, she too had late life children.  I sometimes feel we are lost in raising our child whose sister and her husband claimed in public at times was theirs and could easily pass for that.  But I know my youngest misses getting to know her and dreams about her.  He told us after we moved into our new home that one night he woke up afraid but he didn’t come and get us up because he looked around and suddenly he could see his two Nana’s holding him close so he went back to sleep.