Having My DNA Tested – Not Finding a Relative Who Can Get Me House Seats

I’m not sure what I expected when I sent in a saliva swab to have my DNA tested, but certainly more than just a certificate identifying my maternal ancestry as belonging to haplogroup HV. Where are the perks? Shouldn’t I have learned I’m linked to someone who’ll get me tickets to Paul Simon concerts or a discount at Zabar’s?

Are there no haplogroup HV parties, picnics where we drink beer and sing under a large sign, reading, “Haplogroup HV?” Not even a haplogroup HV newsletter? An ordinary blood test is more revealing. Having lots of good cholesterol allies me with other lucky ones, probably the people lining up with me at KFC.

I was wrong to anticipate I’d become connected with others in my haplogroup, foolish to think we’d arrange a gathering or, if that wasn’t possible, start a Haplogroup HV chatroom and compare notes on whether we all burn easily, have microvalve prolapse, love dark chocolate, and hate marzipan.

Unhappy that the test was such a non-event, I e-mailed the DNA people to complain. Complaining must come easily to those of us in Haplogroup IV. I got the response, “the region that was tested for your DNA does not carry any known genes, so it will not have any medical implications. It simply allows us to compare you to other people to obtain information about who you may be related you.”

“Do I have any famous relatives?” I asked, hoping someone in my haplogroup would be good for a discount or house seats.

“As far as digging up famous relatives,” was the response, “I do not see any current publications to famous samples for haplogroup HV or those that match the CRS in the first region.” Guess I’m stuck buying tickets from Ticket Master and Craigslist.

If there was anything surprising, it was being told, “We know that your deep ancestral roots trace back to Europe, which rules out Native American, Semitic, Asian, or more recent African ancestry on this direct maternal line.”

When my son finds out, he’ll squawk about all those years in Hebrew school.