What Makes a Family…a Family?

I've been thinking a lot about families lately, since they are changing and evolving into new forms, as all things do. The nuclear, standard, dominant culture’s idea of the family is being reformed by pioneers all over this country. Some of us may hate the idea of families that are not mom, dad, and 1.5 kids. Some others of us say, “if it works—wonderful!” But what makes a family work well? What makes one family acceptable and another considered “alternative”? What makes a family—a family?

 I had a conversation with my stepmother recently (yes, I am from the alternative families of the seventies) and she was saying something that interested me very much, as I had been thinking about writing this story. She wondered if gay couples, in choosing to be parents, were setting up their children to have more difficult lives and with that consideration, why choose to? Well, of the assumptions here, one of them—that these kids’ lives will be automatically more difficult because they have two daddies, or two mommies rather than the “acceptable” family unit—I disagree with. However, I live in New York City and this does make me think more about the “alternative” family. And also I wonder, when we will be able to just label all families—however they come—just as “families?”

That idea that some families are “alternative” is really not so new. For as long as we have been social animals we have been falling into families that are not just man, woman, and child. Perhaps we have not been always “choosing” though. The man and woman with child situation doesn’t always turn out well. Aren’t the kids in those families often facing a more difficult life as well? Why might a dysfunctional family—one that has experienced divorce or the death of a parent, for example—or perhaps an abusive, heterosexual family be preferred over, say, two dads who are loving, supportive, reflective, intelligent, and financially sound parents? Which leads me to this idea about “alternative” families: if parents choose and put effort into having children, they will automatically be more fit parents.  They may not always be successful in their parenting efforts, but they’re certainly off to a better start than unplanned families. Of course, there are exceptions everywhere, but this is just my observation in the families I know.