The parents in the “alternative” families that I know are all incredibly capable parents. Not being a parent myself, I may be criticized as having little fitness to judge this category; however, as a middle school teacher of fourteen years I have seen many families fail their kids, and many more families succeed fantastically. I think over the years this experience has really taught me what makes a good parent. As someone who is an outsider to parenting but is close to kids on a daily basis, I often see what the parents never see in their own kids. They are too close and subjective and when things are bad, they go into denial. Parents can really, really fuck up their kids. I see it all the time. It is sad to say, but it is easier to notice those that are doing a poor parenting job than a good one. (I should confirm that most of the kids in my class are doing fabulously!)
There is so much to being a good parent regardless of whether the parents (or parent) are single, bi-racial, gay, straight, two gay couples, remarried with fused siblings, or a single mom with a sperm donation family. There are many ways to be a good or bad parent. Perhaps straight parents have an advantage because they are “acceptable” to much of society, but that does not automatically qualify them as better parents. What does matter—what is essential—is invisible to the eye (to quote The Little Prince). It is not quantifiable or qualifiable.
What I think is essential to a good family seems to be well provided for in the gay parented families I know. In these families, I see parenting by choice, by thoughtful consideration, by love, by extended families, by monetary soundness, with educational concern, and by deliberate and sustained choice.
In fact, I would argue that choice is an important factor in making these “alternative” families more successful. I have a good friend who is a social worker in foster care. One question that is often asked of the birth parents is: was this a planned or wanted pregnancy? The answer is often no. Any straight couple can get together, get pregnant and start the wanted, or unwanted family, or the planned or unplanned family. A gay couple has to plan, to want.
