Dear 4-Way,
I just met someone I really like. Right off the bat, I noticed how insanely busy he is. He’s a professional that works nine to five, he coaches a hockey team, and they practice three times a week and have tournaments every weekend. (And this is supposedly the off season.) I live in the city and he doesn’t, so the distance adds to the problem.
Already, our dates have only been on Tuesdays and Thursdays and they’ve had me staying up really late, which affects me the next day at my job. I am a professional too, and my career is very important to me. I cannot do my job after really late nights, and I don’t want to compromise my work or my sleep too severely, especially when I am the only one making a compromise.
I got really hurt in my last relationship and it has been a while since I’ve dated anyone. He’s the first person I’ve had real feelings for since the breakup. And one of my buttons is getting people’s leftover time. I’m busy myself and enjoy my own space, but I prioritize the person I’m dating. I don’t like feeling that everything else comes before me. I also don’t want the only time I spend with someone to be when we are both tired and when he has spent all his energy on everything else. Should I give it a chance, or should I walk away now? I want to make a decision soon—before our feelings get deeper or before I get really hurt. What do you think?—TB
The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer
There is a bigger issue here than if this is the guy for you—and that is falling for unavailable men. I have learned over the years that I am destined to repeat my mistakes until I accomplish the work I need to do to move on. That being said, I think that you will keep finding yourself attracted to unavailable men until you take a long hard look at why you are drawn to them in the first place. This guy has not been able to meet your needs from the start and I don’t think he will change.
