Men and the Text Message Dating Game

A couple of weeks ago, at a relaxing, uneventful Saturday afternoon barbeque, one of the single women decided to turn up the heat on conversation with a dating dilemma. “Why would a guy,” she asked, as every man with a beer in his hand and no ring on his finger fidgeted nervously, “promise to call after a fantastic first date, and then do nothing but send flirtatious text messages for the next two weeks?”

A few quick thinking cads made haste towards the barbeque to compliment the host on his steak flipping techniques and discuss the weekend football finals. The rest of us found ourselves surrounded by a school of circling single white females, eyeing their prey over a fourth glass of bubbly. As a single male, I knew my chances of surviving this conversation were remote. Ever so carefully, I backed up towards the safety of the kitchen door, mumbling something about a top up.

Hidden behind the walls of my bachelor pad, having survived my near-eunuch experience, I feel it’s now safe to give you the inside scoop on how a guys mind works (or doesn’t work) when it comes to telephone dating procedures. Of course, there are books that will tell you that Mars isn’t that into Venus, because he has the maturity of an eight year old, and is really looking for a Mother Earth. Theoretically, they are quite sound, but throw them into the real world and they’re about as useful as a man holding a toilet brush.

I have some wonderful female friends. Some single, some in relationships. Like you, they are all sexy, intriguing and intelligent women. Yet, you all suffer from a common condition. I call it Men-agitus. You caught it the first time some midget Romeo stole a kiss on the merry-go-round at pre-school morning break, and dropped you for a Tonka truck and a sandpit by lunch. As a result, you seem to spend a significant portion of your lives analyzing men’s actions and words.

In the case of communication, the answer is really quite simple. Men don’t really enjoy speaking with women on the phone. OK, maybe if the conversation turns a little flirtatious our ears prick up, but for the most part, the very thought scares us to death. You have blackbelts in voice boxing. It’s what you do. Your aim is to see if we are capable of stimulating your mind with our least exercised organ. Our objective is to get off the phone whilst you are still interested enough to see us again.

In face-to-face land, we don’t need to solely rely on our bogus communication skills. We can flash our boyish smiles, tenderly hold your hand, make stupid jokes, or attempt handstands. Anything to distract you from what we have to say. As visual creatures, we feel right at home here. We can gauge your reaction to our antics, read your body language, and take peeks at your cleavage when you’re not looking.

On the phone, we feel naked and exposed.