Dating jerks is exhausting. I’d like to have dinner conversation with a man who does more than just gawk at me. Dr. David Pincus, Assistant Professor of Psychology at Chapman University in Orange, whose work helping shy, kind men on the dating scene has led him to formulate tips for a future book, The Nice Guy’s Guide to Dating, explains how a woman can increase her chances of getting into a relationship with a nice guy.
First, he says, “take yourself off the dating hook.” Realize that dating is hard. If you don’t like dating, he says, “that’s okay because it can be punishing, it’s pretty unnatural, and it may put you in strange situations. For example, trying to be authentic while at the same time trying to sell yourself is a pretty strange combination.” Nice guys (and nice women, too) struggle at “selling” themselves on the dating scene.
We can ease the pressure on ourselves by acknowledging any negative feelings toward dating and by setting reasonable and attainable relationship goals. For example, if I want to meet a nice guy, a reasonable goal is, “I’d like to get to know him better,” not “I want to marry him.” We shouldn’t force ourselves to date or to be in a relationship. If I’m just trolling at a party, my goal should be to talk for five minutes to two attractive men—that’s all. The paradox of dating, explains Dr. Pincus, is that if we come on too strong, it’s unattractive. (Now what woman hasn’t been on the receiving end of that behavior?)
Next, realize that there are several reasons why we might not notice a nice guy in the modern dating pool. He’s not coming on too strong, for one thing—a nice guy probably won’t deliver one of those pick-up lines that start with “Baby, are your legs tired?” The more promising dating partner (if you’re looking for a committed, monogamous relationship) will be the guy who is cautious, perhaps even nervous, and who doesn’t lick his lips while he’s looking you up and down. “I would look down at my feet a lot because I was nervous,” Dr. Pincus recalls about his dating days. He’s married now, and his wife is expecting their second baby. “In my mind, I was communicating, ‘I’m shy. I’m a nice guy.’” In a crowded bar or at a loud party, there isn’t time for a nice guy to overcome his nervousness and make an impression on us.
Pay attention to your own body language as well. According to The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara and Allan Pease, it is usually women who initiate each step of the courtship ritual, though men are rarely aware of it.
PREVIOUS PAGE
