Dear 4-Way,
I’ve been dating a really great man for about six months. I really like him and so far, there are no red flags. He’s kind, funny, smart, good-looking, sexy, creative, and ambitious but … he smokes. With the exception of the occasional cigarette after drinking, I don’t smoke. His smoking doesn’t bother me for all the reasons that it might bother other people—lingering smell, smoke in my hair, and bad breath, to name a few. I just really like him and I want him to be alive and in my life for a long time. I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend who asks him to quit smoking; but I do wish he would stop because I’m afraid he’s taking years off his life. How can I get him to quit without damaging our relationship and possibly having him come to resent me for asking him to give up something he enjoys so much?—AG, Denver, Colorado
The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown
This situation reminds me a little of those men who buy motorcycles before they meet their wife. When they get married, their new wives make them give up the motorcycles because they insist that they’re too dangerous a toy for a family man to have. The men grumble, but eventually they give in and give up, because they understand the obvious dangers of speeding down the 405 in open air when you’ve got an eight-month-old. Smokers, on the other hand, read something like this and are probably incredulous that I’d compare a deadly, gas-powered motor vehicle to their harmless little stick of tobacco. But the dangers are equal—in fact, the many cigarette-related dangers are probably greater than the dangers associated with riding a motorcycle. But I digress.
It’s not an unreasonable desire—wanting someone you love to remain in your life. I understand that you don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend, but since you think this relationship is going somewhere, I think you’re going to have to suck it up and be the communicating girlfriend.
