If you’ve thumbed through an issue of Maxim magazine or Men’s Health anytime in the last twenty-five years, you’ve probably read a few pointers on how to properly compliment a woman. Personally, I think these lists can be a little too vague, and quite honestly, a little lame. For example, one list I read recently said, “When you meet someone interesting, commend her on her wit or intelligence—not her beautiful breasts.” That someone actually felt compelled to remind men not to compliment breasts at first sight shocked me. Don’t all guys know not to do this?
But then I remembered some of the “compliments” I’ve received over the years. I started to think that maybe what shouldn’t be said isn’t as obvious for some as it is for others. So I put together this list of “compliments,” all of which are real and were said to either me or one of my girlfriends. No urban legends, no made-up magazine quotes—these are (sadly) the real deal. Read ‘em and weep … and hopefully, learn a little from the not-so-savvy sector of bad complimenters out there.
1. “You look like Gregory Peck.”
Or Corey Haim. Or Janeane Garofalo when she was in her awkward, fat phase. Or Monica Lewinsky. Telling a woman that she looks like a man (or a woman who looks like a man, or a woman who wore a beret as a serious fashion statement to meet the President and then later gave said President a blowjob) is never good—even if you think the woman has an honest face like Gregory Peck’s, or a button nose similar to Corey Haim’s. Generally, women who are interested in men like men who are interested in women. It’s a simple formula, really. And trying to pick her up with the old “you look a little like Gene Hackman in his French Connection days” line will not only insult her, it might make her wonder why you’d want to get it on with Gene Hackman.
2. “I like women with a little gray in their hair.”
You can ignore the elephant in the room. Or you can bring peanuts to attempt to woo the elephant so you can climb up on it and ride for a while, maybe cruise around and jump it through a few fiery hoops of mockery. Let me be clear: gray hair is an elephant you should always choose to ignore. If you truly like gray hair, just say, “You have beautiful hair” and leave it at that.
Many of us in the gray-haired set are a little intimidated by the fact that most men would gladly drop even a youngster like Lindsay Lohan for a chance to hook up with her fourteen-year-old sister. Please don’t remind us that we’re aging and being trophy girled-out with every tick of the clock for younger, firmer models. Just give our grays the time-honored courtesy-ignore and proceed with your flirtation. It’s the polite thing to do.
3. “You have a very attractive labia.”
I first heard this from my ObGyn, a very professional straight woman who wasn’t hitting on me. I took her compliment and swaggered out of my appointment that day full of genital bravado. If it wouldn’t have caused a major HR violation, I probably would have even told my coworkers; I was just that proud. “Hey everyone, guess what? My doctor said my labia is pretty! Who’s up for Starbucks?”
A couple of years later, a boyfriend who was paying me a visit south of the border delivered a similar compliment, though this time in a huskier, sexier voice, “You have the most beautiful labia I’ve ever seen.” Um, what? Suddenly the compliment I’d been so proud of before seemed a little … creepy. Please, never say this to a woman. It’s nice that you appreciate the goods, but this is the one situation where it’s okay to opt for the dirtiest, most porn-worthy word possible over the very clinical “labia.” Please.
