The Beginning

I’ll always remember that hot afternoon, sunbathing in the garden while my mom read at the breakfast table in the shade. I had just returned from visiting my family in Germany, my living situation was undetermined, and I had just found out I’d lost my job.  It wasn’t the job per-say I cared about, or even the apartment, it was what they represented for me at the time.  Having my two “safety” nets pulled out from under me like a rug, I was freaking out but also starting to taste the possibilities of the potential adventures that lay ahead. I wasn’t married, I didn’t have a job or a place to live, all my stuff was already boxed up and stored in my parents’ garage… it didn’t take long for me to consider the thought of strapping my backpack on my back, dusting off my faithful traveling shoes, and choosing my next destination.  My friend Josh was leaving for Argentina to visit a friend of his who had been living there for four years. It was he I was talking to on that infamous Indian-summer afternoon.  I will always remember that moment, lingering lazily in the sun, talking to my friend Josh on the phone, considering my future options.  My Mama looked over at me when I hung up and said, “do you realize you spent that whole conversation cooing like a dove?” I was, indeed, feeling good in my skin, good in the moment, good about Josh’s voice lingering in my head. 

A little background: Josh and I had met on a plane two years before and become friends, better friends, neighbors, and even better friends. The possibility of something more developing between us was always present, but it was something I had flat out refused and closed myself off from. He was my friend Josh. Period.  But then I went to Germany and while I was there a friend of mine, whom I was subletting the infamous now-unavailable apartment from, revealed that she was starting to have romantic feelings for him. I blamed my three day crying fest on the fact that I wasn’t going to have a place to live upon my return to SF, that the apartment was the only thing concrete in my life, that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, yadiyadiyada. My dad suggested that perhaps my sadness had more to do with my feelings for Josh than to do with the apartment.  I obviously flat out denied that option in the moment, and it wasn’t until later that I was able to link my rise of emotions to my true feelings for him.