Marriage, For Better

Marriage: noun [mer-ij, 'ma-rij]

You meet someone, you date until people start asking the “when” questions, and next thing you know you are registering, planning a huge gala, flying away to the tropics, and then flying home to your new house, where you and your spouse confirm your mutual fertility. At least, that’s the concept I was exposed to.

Ten bridesmaid dresses, one broken engagement, and several years later, I am not confident this definition is convincing. In fact, I would say its outline forms some fundamental problems. I say this not only because of some of the marriages I have seen, but because it just doesn’t seem to match my gut instincts and core desires. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in marriage, though my definition disagrees with the movies and the Sandals brochures. I think my views will forever confuse my parents and even some of my oldest friends. But, for better or for worse, I believe there is marriage out there that is worth diving in to.

Of course, in my vision you do choose someone to spend your life with. “Your life” of course is theoretical, as no one knows how much of that we will be given. For this reason, I believe the person you choose should be inspiring and sacred. I believe with this person you should feel wonderful when you feel good and loved when you feel horrible. I feel you should laugh with this person and misbehave with this person. I also feel you should be able to discuss your darkest spaces and deepest thoughts. I believe you should experience passion with this person that transcends the physical shape of the body. I feel that you should always want to explore with this person, together and alone. Alone (in balance of course) is key—when we are alone we touch base, we struggle, we expand, and we gain clarity.

The concept of what makes a “successful” marriage is also one I tend to question. My parents always taught me that a successful marriage was one that did not end in divorce. My parents are still married, and so are all of their friends. This is something they like to remind me of every time the topic comes up. While I do believe there is something admirable about marrying in your early twenties and staying together, I think a better sign of success is the level of fulfillment, regardless of when the marriage started or ended. I hate to think of myself divorced, but I hate more the thought of living unfulfilled just to maintain a pretense of being together.