Just Say I Do: The Bachelor Officer and A Gentleman

Okay. I am pretty obsessed with relationships. Analyzing them. Figuring them out. How to create one. And then how to make it work, and continue to cultivate, nurture, and sustain a healthy, mutually-supportive, equally-beneficial partnership. And I have openly admitted in the past that the how-to’s of this process have traditionally been unclear to me—I missed the day in class when the teacher explained Relationships, no one ever gave me the notes, and I have been doing my best, my darnedest in fact, since then, to catch up.

So is it just me or does The Bachelor and shows like it reinforce every negative thing we, as a society, have ever learned about relationships? Every thing that we then subsequently have to unlearn in order to be a healthy, well-balanced individual with a complete and fully developed and individuated and non-codependent sense of self that is necessary to participate in a partnership?

I mean, The Officer and a Gentleman dude is gorgeous, in that physically perfect kind of way, if you are into that sort of thing. He even seems to have a certain level of depth, and while he can seem scripted and awkward at times, this can be endearing. He has moments of sincerity, sensitivity, and ok, I even believe that he is there for the right reasons that he keeps mentioning, i.e., to find true and lasting love.

But there are a few things that I find highly disturbing. Like all these women vying for Andy-The-Bachelor’s attention, being interviewed by him and offering up really personal information about themselves—their passions, dreams, and deepest desires, and even traumatic events and challenges that they have been though. And they all exude that "Pick me, pick me, please pick me!” vibe that my dorm-mates and I coined in college during Sorority Rush when we were on our best behavior, ready to put forth only our most stellar and exceptional qualities and really sell ourselves, desperate to be selected by the older sorority girls, deemed worthy, and validated.

All the women on the show are so ready to reveal themselves to Andy, but really, what do we know about this guy? Really? It seems to me that they have exposed themselves so much more than he has. When presented with a great-looking, accomplished, intelligent guy that yes, does appear to be a “good catch,” why are women so willing to decide within minutes that this is the guy for them and that they need to win his approval, and validation? This seems extreme because it is on a TV show, and all the outfits are swanky, the dates are creative and elaborate, and the lighting is flattering, but this exact thing happens in real life all the time! Five minutes into a great date, so many women (myself included), can be ready to make a decision that because of chemistry and an instant connection, this is the man for them! This is the man they are (I am) going to marry!

A wonderful coach I work with teaches about relationships and has posed the question, when you spend your entire life getting to know yourself, why are you then ready to jump into a committed relationship with someone you've only known for 5 minutes? Or 5 days? Or even 5 weeks, or 5 months? It takes time and it is a process of truly revealing yourself and also gaining information about this other person to know what they are all “about,” to quote The Bachelor himself, and if who they are and what they are about is right for you, and a good, healthy, beneficial match with what you are all about.

So why aren't any of these women interviewing the Bachelor?