I have always been an extremely nostalgic person. Many times you can find my friends and I laughing over old photographs or retelling stories of nights when one of us had too much to drink and too little responsibility. I’ve kept a multitude of journals to record everything from the mundane to the extraordinary and I believe at the core of my journaling is a therapeutic undertone. It wasn’t until very recently, that I found the desire to go back and pour over some of my own writings.
Trudging through the darkest pits of the internet, I discovered that many times when I encountered a life changing event I created a new journal. When I first met my husband, I created a private journal for my own reflection and his awareness of my feelings. After we became engaged, I started (and later abandoned) a blog about feeling very out of place in my role as a “bride-to-be.” Yet the most recent and probably most important journal I would create was the one I started when I found out that I was pregnant with my son, Davin.
Through my own writings, journals, and poetry alike, I watched myself grow from a confused and unhappy teenager to a strong and accomplished adult. In a short amount of time, I was immersed in entries like the very first time I kissed my husband, or the numerous fights that nearly tore us apart and more recently the look on his face the first time I told him he was going to be a father.
It’s hard to truly understand how your life can evolve from meeting someone you choose to share moments of your life with, to a life that is no longer your own. Is it possible to pinpoint every time your lives entwined leaving the solid fabric that is now a commitment?
It was hard for me to realize we had reached this point. Our relationship was so tumultuous that there was a point not too long ago that I was sure we would never see the forest through the trees. I had become so accustomed to thinking that the engagement I had agreed to would never amount to more than a suburban condo and tearful arguments. But inside each entry laced with pain and doubt, I saw myself laying the foundation to finally become a woman and quite possibly a mother.
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