Five Things to Know Before Saying “I Do”

Children, especially little ones, put pressure on relationships. They force a change of priorities in terms of time and money. Do you pay for organic milk and violin lessons for your daughter or renew the gym membership and magazine subscriptions for yourself? Pretty clear choices for most of us, and yet the kinds of choices that can gradually build up resentment or just plain exhaustion on the part of the parent.

Though it may not seem like it when your kids are disappointed to be left with a babysitter, or when you’re twisting grandma’s arm to do an overnight, try to remember that nurturing your marriage also nurtures your kids. It’s surprisingly easy in the chaos of children to stop talking to one another and not even realize you’re doing it, until one day, you find yourselves alone at the dinner table with nothing to say to each other. Don’t  coast on the strength of your love or romance, tempting though it may be. Rather, notch up the gears, whether that means buying candles and cooking favorite meals to eat late at night (after the kids go to bed) or finding creative ways to finance mini-vacations sans kids.

#3: Sex Matters. And How!
Sure, you’re frisky now, but as anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows, libidos have a way of ebbing and flowing. One of the best things you can do early on is to have a frank conversation about sex—what you like and don’t like, what scares you, what’s happened in the past, and what you look forward to in the future. This kind of plain talk doesn’t take the mystery out of things, rather it ensures that everyone gets what he or she wants. Remember: priorities. It can only help to clarify that you find backrubs and pre-made baths with candles to be a turn on, while unexpected breast grabs in the kitchen, uh, not so much.

It’s also good to admit up front that one of you may want more sex and one of you less. Few couples are blessed with equal sex drives. Make a commitment not to demonize the other person’s appetites, or lack thereof. It’s very easy to paint one partner as insatiable or the other as cold, when probably neither is true. Creatively devise ways for you both to find that sweet place, whatever it may be. As one friend told me, “My husband was reluctant at first, but he eventually signed a peace treaty with my electronics, which made us both a lot happier.”