Things to Know Before Saying “I Do” (Part 2)

#5: You’ll Both Change, but Don’t Count on Change 
This final piece of advice has a bit of Zen koan quality. On one hand, know that you’ll both grow in ways that you can’t now foresee. You’re chubby today, but you could be a svelte marathoner ten years from now. And your squeaky clean husband could develop a gambling addiction. For better or worse, nothing stays the same.

One friend, Joanne, was shocked when after fourteen years of marriage, her husband decided to join the ministry. Not a church going person, Joanne had no interest in taking on the role of Minister’s Wife, nor was she happy about the moves his new career would require. More than once, she considered divorce, but after thirty years of marriage, two great kids, and now a grandchild on the way, she’s glad that she didn’t. David’s career interests shifted, and even his spiritual priorities, but many of the things he and Joanne most enjoy and value as a couple, including their kids, cooking and travel, have remained the same. “I guess,” Joanne notes, “I’m really glad for what I didn’t know before getting married, because if someone had told me what David would be doing now, I probably wouldn’t have gone through with it.”

At his core, David is still the same man Joanne married. Six-to-one that if he tossed his underwear on the bathroom floor before becoming a minister, he still does it. Not that underwear tossing is a core value, per se, but it’s the kind of thing you’re not going to change. Too many of us go into marriage thinking that the handful of teeny tiny things that annoy us about our true love will change: They’ll outgrow it; we’ll make them better. Forget it! If he cracks his knuckles now, he’ll be cracking them at eighty.

A friend recently asked me if a good marriage really exists. She was feeling nonplussed by her own marriage and uninspired by those she saw around her. I didn’t have an answer at the time, but I guess I’d say that a perfect marriage definitely does not exist. And if you think you know one, it’s a mirage. But good is what we make it. In marriage, the sum is worth more than the parts. So while I can think of all sorts of blemishes in my own marriage, events and decisions that I regret, I still believe that Andrew and I have a good marriage. Do I look forward to another fourteen years? You bet. Because as one longtime bachelor who finally said, “I do” told me, marriage can be surprisingly fun.