Can This Relationship Be Saved? (Part 2)

The breaking point hit a few weeks ago where Sean confessed that he didn’t believe in my career as an actress. He thinks I have been setting myself up to fail. I have been going through a dry period where I haven’t been getting much work and he is sick of it. I know rejection is part of the business and it didn’t used to bother me that much, but now I feel like every little rejection is tallied in his mind. He’s afraid we won’t have any financial security, that we won’t have the life we want and he wants me to stay at home and be a mom. I want to be a mom too, but I love theatre and can’ t imagine quitting right now. At some point, I want to get my master’s degree and teach, but for now, I just want to pound the pavement and give acting my best shot. I thought he would understand that, he’s performer too—a classical singer. Lately, he’s had tons of success. He’s the lead in two operas and just got promoted at the Catholic shrine where he sings professionally. He regularly gets accolades, and I’ll admit it has been difficult for me to enjoy all his success when I don’t have much of my own. We always said we’d be “at arms length” from each other, but I couldn’t feel more low and distant. I know it would be counterproductive to get jealous, so I do my best to muscle up the strength to support him.

The combination of his hurtful words, angry and controlling tendencies, and the differences in success in our respected careers, has made me incredibly depressed. The truth is, his controlling nature and criticisms are so intense that I do have desolate days where I want to give up on everything, even my life. I have put on weight, stopped caring about my appearance (sometimes I don’t shower or brush my hair for days) and have started using alcohol and drugs to soothe my pain and anxiety, which I had never done before. Some friends of mine called and invited me over to smoke marijuana. As mentioned before, I don’t get invited out a lot and I was excited to spend time with new friends. I’ m not going to lie; the effect of the drugs was soothing and helped me escape my current situation.