Never Ending

He could have killed me, but still in his mind it was “my fault”. Recently I was cleaning the attic and found a letter from a woman he had an affair with. In it she was responding to him complaining about me to her and the two of them making plans to be together when he returned from sea. She said you have my number just let me know when and I will take leave so we can be together. That letter was dated 1995 so for at least twelve years he has been cheating on me. Even then I couldn’t go to the store and back without him accusing me.

Now I know why he thinks I have the same adulterous behavior he do. Now I’m not eighteen anymore I am forty-seven-years-old and still going through. My kids are grown and I have five grandchildren and still only really have contact with one. That’s because it is by his son, but the other four grandchildren live in Texas, and he gets mad when they call, its always they want something. I can never plan to go see my grandchildren because then i would have to be going to see someone other than the babies. He acts like I shouldn’t care about them at all. I really hate him for this. I don’t have anywhere to go and no money but I have gained strength in the battle. Not until recently I noticed I am numb to his abusive words and want to kill him when he hits me and disrespect me. Still I keep praying for a answer. It is so easy for people to think all I have to do is walk away that’s what I think on daily basis. Is it better to stay in a house I can’t afford? Is it better to put up with the day to day abuse that seem to come so easy to batter upon me? Or do I just wait out what seems to be a lifetime of already waiting?