Keep Your Panties On, Twenty-Somethings

Let’s slip back into reality. Let’s say that people keep on keepin’ on, just as they always have. Those heathen, sex-having sinners have the right to know that birth control won’t just help lower the number of babies born out of wedlock (four out of ten in 2005). It will also help prevent the spreading of nasty little things like HIV and sexually transmitted diseases.

And here’s something else to consider: when will somebody grow the cajones apparently needed to offer up masturbation as a viable way to quell those between-the-legs quiverings? Maybe if our government and the HHS weren’t a bunch of uptight geezers, we’d have all gotten the proper education on how masturbation is actually normal, that everybody does it (yes, even you, though you may publicly deny it), and that it’s actually a healthy and handy way to stop that incessant throbbing. Talking about it as an acceptable option to premarital sex might make it less taboo; maybe eventually save the country a few billion dollars in mental health care costs, and possibly even save a few sacrificial tube socks. But for now, the message is loud and clear: sex outside of marriage is wrong. And sex with yourself, well that’s just disgusting.

Oh, and let’s not forget about gay people. This clever little abstinence-only program assumes that everyone can get married, except, oops, we forgot, we don’t let gay people get married in this country (unless you live in Massachusetts). So what should they do? Never have sex? Or suck it up, marry an opposite sex partner, and live miserably until their husband finally—mercifully—discovers them going down on the manicurist? Gay people (and gay marriage, for that matter) appear to be yet another issue shoved under the HHS rug.

I get that the HHS is trying to decrease the number of children born out of wedlock. I get that single-parent families (specifically, single mothers) have a greater likelihood of experiencing a unique set of hardships. But a more comprehensive and educational approach to helping the situation seems smarter than this abstinence-only, conservative’s wet dream solution.