On Non-Monogamy: Do Open Relationships Work?

By: Polly Parker ( Little_person View Profile)

Non-monogamy is about one thing—sex. And sex is good. And sex with different people—either concurrently or over the course of a lifetime—is good too. Sex is so good that some people are addicted to it. (Have you ever heard of someone being addicted to something that isn’t good for you? Addiction = bad.) Sex makes people do crazy things and it makes people feel amazing things. I love it just as much as anyone else, but there is more to life than sex.

I am pretty sure that the words on your deathbed won’t be “I wish I had had more sex with more people.” Maybe if you are a pervert, or if you didn’t get much action in your life, you would say that, but most people wouldn’t. Most people would say that they would have spent more time with their families, or that they wished they had worked less. They want more time with their wives, or they regret not pursuing a dream. Unless someone is being a smartass on his deathbed, he’s not going to even think about sex when his number’s up.

I live in San Francisco. Non-monogamy (or polyamory as it is called here) is a big topic in the city. It’s not just the gays talking about it; straight folks are into open relationships too. Polyamory is not just a straight, gay, queer, bi, or trans issue. Out here, everybody’s doing it. And if everyone is doing it here, then it’s probably already in or coming to a town near you.

Here’s the definition of monogamy:

NOUN:

1 archaic : the practice of marrying only once during a lifetime 2 : the state or custom of being married to one person at a time 3 : the condition or practice of having a single mate during a period of time

Notice anything? Right off the bat, Webster’s is linking monogamy to marriage, and they should, because monogamy comes from monos (alone, single) + gamos (marriage). Monogamy used to be about being with one person forever, and now it’s been updated to mean the state or “custom” of being married to one person at a time. The logical opposite of monogamy is polygamy, being married to more than one person at a time, and not very many people (publicly) support that.

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Comments

It seems arbitrary over history to make one behavior or another by an adult, or among mutually consenting adults, somehow unrightous if not illegal. Polly uninspiringly joins the crowd regarding non-monogamy. Ironically, she reverses when it comes to smoking. There may be more to life than sex but the same tautologically could be said of anything. But history is constant on one account. Sex will not be denied. When it is, perversion festers. Ask abused Catholic alter boys. If sex will not be not denied, then perhaps placing it in solidarity confinement (monogamy) is the best that those-who-want-to-tell-the-rest-of-us-how-to-live can do. Sure, marriage, kids, dogs and a white pickett fence are fine things too. But as variety in our meals, books, work and entertainment need not be a threat to other good things, neither need be the spice of additional sex partners. If monogamy were a golden answer, divorce in monogamous relationships would be uncommon. On MY deathbed...a satiated smile.

Did anyone else read the subtext that exists throughout this article? I truly believe Polly is not completely sure what she believes. It's as if she spent the many hours that it took her to construct this piece to talk herself into answering the question her article's title asks "Do Open Relationships Work?". She obviously came to the conclusion "No", which is completely baffling to me since she has not even tried it herself, only relied on the judgments she has passed on her "open" friends' relationships. Interesting indeed! ~Sadie confessionsfrommyopenmarriage.blogspot.com/

Wonderfull article. Polly, thank you... It helped me strenghten my belief in love and monogamy... By the way, thanks to God, I enjoy a wonderful monogamous relationship, I and I do beleive in it...

As a woman in a happy non-traditional relationship I feel compelled to add my two cents. The assumption that all people who choose non-monogamy are running from love and commitment is just false. I have been with my partners for thirteen years and it takes openness and honesty with each other to keep things running smoothly. We are rational and understanding when talking about our personal needs in and out of the bedroom, not completely flippant as this article tries to pass off. We work hard together to raise a family that is full of love and respect, so we have an extra set of hands to help out and an extra set of shoulders to lean on when times are tough, what could possibly be bad about that? Granted, I believe that this article is referring more to unstable random pairings in which other lovers aren't really part of a couple's life, but we are a happy threesome who love each other equally and don't really go for the whole "fling of the week" thing. Just a thought.

Nik, you have a lot of nerve and even more ignorance to write that stuff about the author being a lesbian. Life is not ying and yang or black and white. The author put a lot of thought into the piece and you dragged it into the gutter. Wake up - it's the 21st century. Heterosexuals fuck up relationships just as much as gay people do. You are so shallow and oblivious, it's almost unbelievable to me. You're lucky if you even get laid, much less die from it.

Wonderfull article. Polly, thank you... It helped me strenghten my belief in love and monogamy... By the way, thanks to God, I enjoy a wonderful monogamous relationship, I and I do beleive in it...

Yeah I hear you. I am traditional too in my goals but relationships are not songs, movies, books, or fairy tales. They are two people with very complex needs trying to get them met while trying to have a relationship. Are you in a lesbian relationship? Maybe that is the problem, causing some kind of imbalance, without the ying and yang that glues people together. By the way, I would love to die having sex!

Agree with you entirely on this one: it's about love. Sex, emotions and love are all connected and being with 'the one' is what is makes it special. Yes, I believe it is still possible to be with 'the one' even here in the Bay Area and being old-fashioned is just fine with me. And yes, I am a guy! Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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