The Secret Sex Lives of Lesbians

I was watching an episode of South Park the other night. One of the characters, Mrs. Garrison, was fed up with men and decided to become a lesbian. At first, she had a hard time imagining what sex between two lesbians looked like. Other characters in the episode had a hard time imagining it, too. Each of them just said, “Well, maybe they just scissor or something …” before trailing off. Maybe they just scissor or something? What?

When they finally showed two women having sex, it was crude and laughable. Of course, South Park’s sole purpose is to be crude and laughable, but as I watched the two characters having sex, I was horrified. Do people really think this is how lesbians have sex? I laughed nervously and looked at my friends, wondering if they were trying to picture me with my girlfriend, frantically scissoring away.

“I don’t do that!” I said, quickly, too quickly probably. “I mean, there is something we do that kinda resembles that, but …” Now it was my turn to trail off. I don’t really want my friends imagining me having sex at all, but I certainly don’t want them imaging me scissoring or something.

I am a very shy and modest person. Sex is something I don’t like to really talk about at all, much less write about for thousands of strangers. But I have some gay pride, and I don’t want everyone thinking these bizarre things about what lesbians actually do in bed.

I certainly don’t represent all lesbians—many of my friends make fun of me for being vanilla, which means … I guess vanilla is the straight equivalent of missionary. Since I live in San Francisco, to many other lesbians, I seem to be pretty conservative sex-wise, since there is a pretty heavy S&M scene, sex clubs, sex parties, lots and lots of sex toys, local porn, and pretty much anything you can think of. This is their opinion, mind you. I like to think that I don’t need all the bells and whistles just to make things interesting.

I have been on the girl team for nearly half of my life now, so I do know a thing or two. As much as I am blushing right now and worrying about what my co-workers will think of me after they read this, I feel it is my civic duty to give all of you at least a glimpse into the lesbian bedroom. You can impress all your gay friends with your newfound knowledge, and be the envy of all your straight friends by being in the know about the wonderful world of lesbian sex. You’ve heard of street-cred? Well, here’s your lez-cred.


Lesbians Do Not Have Long Fingernails.
Contrary to every lesbian porn movie you may have seen, lesbians do not have long, red fingernails flashing as they giggle in bed with thirty dildos around them. This stuff is put out by men for men, and has no basis in reality. In fact, there is a joke about this in the gay world—What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single.

Over the years, when talking to my non-lesbian friends, if I mention that I “fucked” a girl, I get a blank stare.