Loving Too Hard

I fell in love with a gentleman I met on my job some years ago. We fell in love, he moved in and played husband and wife for a one and a half years. Then all of a sudden he stopped talking and touching me. I cried, prayed, spoke to others about this ordeal and hoped for the best. Later he moved out. We remained a couple, then we broke up got back together until his lover called and that’s when the truth came out about him being gay.

At this time I was devastated, didn’t know if I was going to throw myself in front of the bus or train. I just knew that I didn’t want to live due to the pain that I endured. At this time I started putting the pieces of the puzzle together—the way I was treated by family and friends, the warmth and the love that they showed me. I felt so loved but now I know why. My thinking is that they thought I could change him but I couldn’t because I’m not GOD. I later found out by him that I was his first woman in twenty-six years.

I can’t begin to tell you the pain that I suffer with while this man’s lover constantly called me to air their dirty laundry. I felt that I was being punished by GOD. I went through a lot of feelings and eventually ended of in counseling around this terrible event that took place in my life.

Eventually we were back together but not spending time with each other just talking on the phone and oh yeah the only time I seen him is when he needed something. Until we were suppose to have spent a weekend together then he called it off again. He came up with several reasons. I was devastated once again. Every time he needed me I was there to show him how much I love and care about him. 

Until this day he’s still in my life and I’m still taking care of him. Why, because a part of me is telling me that he needs me. He needs me to take care of him and I love him dearly. I love him from the bottom of my heart. I need to say through this relationship I found myself. I realize that it wasn’t me because for a long time I blamed myself for his actions and later realized that there’s nothing wrong with me I’m just not a man and that’s his preference. I’m I bitter yes at times I walk around with hatred and the resentment surfaces for me.