Getting Textual

I did a bad, bad thing. I flirted with temptation and possibly with disaster. 

My boyfriend and I have been on the rocks lately. Ok, more like teetering on the edge of the most dangerous cliff and I’m not really sure why. We had this fabulous week and I don’t use the word fabulous unless I mean it. We were going strong, passionate, and going about our routine in a way that made me think he wanted to get used to it. I realized I was in love. Like, really in love. And then boom, it all shattered into pieces.

He came and joined me at this networking event and everything seemed fine until the waitress literally poured a tray of blue martinis over my head. When it happened, I sort of froze. In an attempt not to cry, especially in front of co-workers and the like, I just froze. When he didn’t comfort me, I felt the tears coming on and didn’t know if I could stop them. I asked him why he couldn’t just be on my side and he got angry. And with blue martini dripping from my “perfect outfit” and my perfectly blow-dried hair that I’d spent hours that morning “perfecting,” he broke up with me. He told me he just wasn’t “sure” about me.

Sure, I’ve been dumped before, even cheated on, but nothing had hurt quite like this. I cried. No, I wailed. After a lot of tears, heartache, and “Why are you doing this?” type questions, he decided he really didn’t want to lose me or at least he didn’t want to lose me just yet.

So we’re still together but something is strange, not right. Even after the long talk post break up talk when he decided he didn’t really want to break-up (yet), I still wondered. The problem is for how long does he want to keep trying and what is his reason? I can’t help but keep wondering? Is he waiting for that chick (I always assume if nothing is really wrong, it must be someone else) to come around and see how wonderful he is? Or is it something else entirely? He tells me it’s because he’s “not certain” and felt “trapped.” But, how? I’m busy, active and have a life of my own. I never thought someone would feel trapped or suffocated by me. Most men I’ve been with tell me I’m “too busy” for them. Trapped?

Yesterday, an old flame reappeared in my inbox. One of those flames where the passion never went out. We started chatting over email casually. It was small talk at first, how are you? Life? Family? Friends? Then, it got downright dirty. Somehow we started reminiscing about this entirely wonderful passionate weekend and then it became nothing short of email/text message sex or as I like to call it “getting textual.” As it was happening, I kept thinking to myself, what am I doing? I’ve never cheated. And while I didn’t do anything physical, a part of me felt very guilty for even thinking/talking about it. I didn’t really know what had come over me.

After beating myself up over it all day, I’ve realized it’s not entirely my fault that I got textual with an old flame. I’ve realized now that it’s not entirely my fault (entirely being the operative word here). If my boyfriend doesn’t want to pay attention to me, touch me, or lust for me, then what does he expect me to do? I realize now that it wasn’t an emotional thing at all. I don’t have feelings for my ex. What I did was because of a pure desire to be touched, lusted after, and aroused. And who doesn’t want that?

If my boyfriend doesn’t start showing me the affection and attention that I expect and need, then he’s about to miss out big time. He will lose me.