The Romantic Multitasker: Ask the Man Shrink

Dear Man Shrink,

I recently met a man I really like. We have great conversation and we’ve both acknowledged that we’re romantically and physically attracted to each other. Nothing has ever happened, though, because shortly after we met, he told me he had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend—a woman he also told me he knew wasn’t right for him but he felt he needed to do it to “help her through a rough time.”

I’m definitely not putting my life on hold for him, but I’m disappointed. When I run into him, it’s clear that he’s still interested in going out with me; we talk about it in fact. It’s frustrating, but I do still get the feeling that he’s a good person. It’s not like he’s trying to hook up with me and be unfaithful to her; in fact, he’s asked if we can start as friends for now and possibly—if I’m still available later—go for more after they’ve broken up.

My questions are: Why would a person continue to date someone that he says he doesn’t like (and he swears it’s not for sex)? Am I crazy for still being interested…as long as I still date other people?

L. from Chicago

Dear L.,

No, you’re not crazy. Do you possibly have a thing for unavailable men? Maybe. But we’ll get to that in a second.

There are about a hundred reasons someone would stay with someone they don’t like, but I’m more curious about THIS man’s reason. The “help her through a rough time” thing doesn’t really ring true. He could do that while as friend rather than a boyfriend. But that doesn’t mean he’s just in it for the sex, either.

Most of us don’t like to hurt other people. We don’t want anyone to feel rejected on our account. Some people, however, take it too far. They fear letting go so much that they can hurt the people they want to like them. This can result from an exaggerated fear of loss or growing up in a conflict-avoidant family. This man’s self-esteem might thrive on pleasing others. If he stays with his girlfriend while flirting just enough to keep you interested, he can keep a happy homeostasis and avoid letting anyone down. The other option is that he’s a manipulative jerk, but he hasn’t busted a move yet, so we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.