I'm writing to get the female perspective on a problem that has plagued my relationship with my wife since the very beginning. We've been married for seven years and dated for seven years before that. Yes, I know I waited to long to propose and that's probably part of the problem, but this was only my second serious relationship and it began when I was young and still didn't know what I was looking for—also didn't yet trust myself to recognize it when I found it. Otherwise, we're in our mid-thirties and lack children by choice (we each at times think perhaps we're missing out on something there, but neither of us really wants to bring a child into such a troubled world).
From the beginning, our sex life was not what I would characterize as “hot.” Sex was infrequent, always seemed to be initiated by me, and was remarkably uncreative. I enjoy oral sex and my girlfriend/wife would often oblige if asked, but wasn't real enthusiastic about the process. I think she also enjoys oral sex and often gets off that way, but she never requests it and more often than not says “You don't have to do that” as I start to go down.
We tried anal sex once and a vibrator maybe twice. She tells me that she has never masturbated (I masturbate a lot and can't even imagine this monastic abstinence). I've asked her to touch herself during sex few times and she acts very embarrassed and demurs—which, in turn, is very embarrassing to me. Sex is 90% missionary in our bed. Once in a great while I can get her to move out onto the sofa or a weight bench or some other exotic locale, but only if we're in the middle of things and I take her hand and lead her out of the bedroom.
I don't know if she's ever climaxed during intercourse.
She's very quiet and, though I know how annoying the "did you cum?" question is, male ego demands occasional affirmation—which I've never received. I used to try “Is there anything else I can do for you?” and the standard answer was "You've done enough already." I've shared a few of my tamer fantasies, in the form of requests, and though she occasionally complies, I often feel like a pervert even for asking. When I ask her fantasies or what she would like, she demurs and indicates there's nothing I should be doing differently.
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