Ask the Man Shrink: Love After Death

Dear Man Shrink:

My boyfriend recently died and I know that I want to love again. I don’t want to do online dating and I’m not really in a rush to date as I’m still grieving, but I would like to find a way to meet men naturally, like I used to in my twenties. It seems in my thirties, it’s harder to meet men for a friendship that might blossom (if the spark is there and the time is right). So my question is: How to meet men when it finally feels right to put myself out there again?

Sasya from SF

Dear Sasya,

In some ways, a boyfriend passing away is more difficult than losing a partner. Hopes of what might have been linger, leaving unanswered questions and unfulfilled dreams. I agree that you shouldn’t be in a rush to date. You need time to grieve, recover, and work through unresolved feelings. You might even have to wrestle with some guilt and anger before moving on. Don’t date for a while and spend time with safe, supportive people. It will probably be a longer process than you’d like, which can be discouraging.

And you sound discouraged. Your question has a tone of hopelessness. It implies that finding love will be harder next time. But how on earth could you not feel that way? If the two of you were serious and entertaining the idea of marriage, it’s even worse. You might feel like you found “the one” and the love of your life was stolen from you. In fact, I’d be surprised if you didn’t feel like finding someone else would be difficult or even impossible.

I’m not sure that your question is really about “how to meet men.” It might be more “how am I going find another relationship that feels so good and natural?” When relationships end, whether someone dies or just leaves, the result is often something shrinks call “catastrophic thinking.” We believe that we will never have the type of connection we had with the person who’s gone. It’s true that you won’t have exactly the same relationship. Nor should you. All our relationships should be celebrated for their uniqueness and what they added to our lives. But can you find a relationship that’s just as good, maybe better? You betcha.