Ask the Man Shrink: Monster-in-Law

This problem has nothing to do with logic; it’s all emotional. You could give an argument to your husband or Mama Bear that would crush a champion debater, but it won’t matter. It’s like trying to use logic to calm down that three year-old who’s throwing a tantrum. You don’t rationally explain why their behavior is inappropriate. Instead, you speak in a calm, quiet voice and reiterate the same boundary over and over. For example, “John, I understand that you’re angry right now. I’m sorry that you feel that way, but I can’t let you throw things across the room.” You’re not going to be able to convince your mother in-law of anything. However, you can show her that her crazy tactics aren’t going to work. Eventually, she’ll get tired of trying and give up, even if it takes a few years.

Put your fears in perspective. When a client tells me that setting boundaries will upset someone else, my most frequent response is “So what?” Ask yourself what really scares you. Is it being alienated from your husband’s family? That stinks, but is it really that bad? They drive you crazy anyway. Are you afraid of Mama Bear talking trash behind your back? Who cares? It’s not like you value her opinion. Try “turning the volume down” on her. Just because she’s babbling, griping, and complaining doesn’t mean you have to respond or even listen. You can even meet a passive-aggressive remark (“Seeing my son get married was so hard for me”) with dead silence. Remind yourself that the stakes are not as high as they feel. Don’t give Mama Bear more power than she really has.

You and your husband need to be on the same team. The most troubling thing about your question is your husband’s position. It’s possible to ignore a crazy mother in-law only if it feels like you and your husband are on the same team. In marriage, it’s crucial that both people “leave” their families and create a new one. Your husband should understand how difficult this is for you and do his best to help. And you need to have empathy for how hard it must be for him to deal with Mama Bear. He’s trying to change lifelong patterns that have helped him survive, so try to have patience. Even if the two of you disagree on the best way to handle his family, there should be a strong alliance. Try to create a life that feels separate and unique. If the two of you feel anchored to the common bond of your relationship, weathering the in-law storms will be a lot easier.

Ask the Man Shrink is published monthly. If you have a question for Stephen, please send it to him care of the editor at rbrown@realgirlsmedia.com. Your question will be kept in the strictest of confidence.

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