Sexless Marriage

By: Rickkip P (View Profile)

Hello, my name is Rich. I have a general question for everyone. I have been married for about 12 years. Our sex life has been great, and I had no complaints. Then, a few years ago, she got pregnant and after the baby was born and the sex literally dropped off the planet for us. Yes, I have talked to her about this several times, but nothing has resulted. It has been really horrible for me because I have a “really high” libido. Borderline “sex on the brain all the time”. I have always been this way. We had sex once this year (2007) and sex maybe five times in 2006.

I have always been into masturbation, and do that quite often. And that is OK, for awhile. Maybe her sex drive has went away with the child birth. I do not know.

My question, is this normal to not want to have sex after childbirth? I know the first year it is, but what about the second and third year? We had great sex right up until the little one was due. Now, I only please myself. I do not want to cheat, but at this point, it could happen given the right circumstances. Also, I never push her into doing it. About six months ago, I actually stopped asking for it, as I saw how she was annoyed with me asking. So, I do not ask anymore.

I know this: she has sisters who are married. Some of them do not have sex with their husbands from what I have been told. I am wondering if she is becoming the same way. That would be horrible.

All comments welcome!

First published June 2007

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Thanks to everyone who replied. It has been about a year since I started this story, and sadly, the situation with our sex life has only worstened. The last time we made love was over 9 months ago. And, it does not look like there will be any "action" in the near future! We have talked about this at times, but things have never worked out. I am wondering how many other couples are having this issue, or had in the past. I think that basically my wife is not interested in sex anymore, and she has said that on numerous occasions. I know our child takes alot of her time, but sheeze... It would take too much time to explain everything here, but also at issue is the fact that she wants another kid, and I do not. One was/is more than enough for me and I believe that having another one would ruin things even more. I am currently looking into some counseling. I do not living like this- it is by no means fun.

First I want to commend you for allowing this much honesty. Perhaps, you need to speak with your wife in a different way. Like ask her what can you do to please her? I am a mother of four children, and my husband and I never gave rest to fufilling eachothers needs, as a matter of fact it increased. Where you both ready for a new baby? Its so much tied into your situation. I am impressed that you have not wonder off, now that it is a mircale for your wife, and your child. Allow her to know how important she is to you, other then just sex. Women likes to be valued and made to feel like a STAR. Do not allow her to just say no, their has to be a reason. Your method or your appoarch, it can be a number of things. Women tend to find thier social identy in their husband, if you make her fell like a sex object, then you will kill the spirit to please you. Complement her, tell her how wonderful she is, feed into her spiritual well being. She needs to know you respect her.

Thanks for the comments. I never "demand" or push her into the bedroom. (or any room for that matter!) I have seriously talked to her about this on many occasions, but even she, admits that her sex drive is just not there like it used to be. So, I suppose my next step is to talk with her again US about seeing a counselor. But in the mean time, my libido is soaring thru roof! My "Solo-Gig's" are fine for now, but they are not the same. I am not at a point of desperation or anything like that. But having sex is "more" on my mind now than ever. TTFN! Rickki

I have the same question as the commenter below: have you talked to your wife about it instead of just asking for sex? Maybe try having a conversation where you tell her how much you love her and how you really miss the physical intimacy that you shared. Tell her you miss feeling that kind of closeness to her. Tell her you appreciate all the wonderful things she's doing as a mother to your new baby. Make her feel loved, not in demand only for sex (not saying that you're doing that, but just in case...). Maybe making her feel loved and appreciated might give way to eventually making her feel sexy and loving again. I hope it works!

Have you been able to tell your wife how you feel? I know that a lot of women's sex drives can really change after having babies, but I'm sure the last thing your wife wants is to create a situation that makes infidelity tempting. Let her know how you feel. Maybe there are ways you can open some new doors between you or at least discover new opportunities for intimacy.

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