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What’s So Wrong About Porn?

What’s So Wrong About Porn?

By: Kat Wilder (View Profile)

I will state this right from the start: I am a fan of porn.

I like watching it. I don’t think it’s degrading to women or men or animals or inanimate objects. I believe adults have the right to watch it or not, and I don’t want anyone telling me that I can’t or shouldn’t or that I’m sick or perverted for liking it or watching it. I don’t mind if my lover watches it; I’ll watch it with him.

I know I’m not alone in this—!—but I am getting the feeling (well, I’m reading lots of comments on blogs) that porn is the root of all that’s wrong in relationships. And they are getting validation from people like Dr. Phil, whose Web site states:

It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.

Clearly something is ridiculous and perverse, but it’s not porn.

A lot of women feel very conflicted about porn, and that conflict manifests itself in some interesting ways:

Some women think it’s cheating if their husband or boyfriend watches porn.
Some women are jealous because, thinking they could never have the “perfect” bodies of the porn stars, they feel they are constantly being compared with that perfection.
Some women believe that they can’t satisfy their partner like a porn star could, or that somehow they are expected to act like a porn star.
Some women are horrified to suddenly discover porn on their partner’s computer.
Some women think that it’s disrespectful to them if their partner likes to look at porn.
Some women think that there’s something wrong with them, and that’s why their partner watches porn.
Some women know their boyfriends watch porn before they get married, but they marry him anyway and then they wonder—why is he still watching porn?

To all of that I say, porn is not the problem. Just because someone likes looking at naked bodies exchanging bodily fluids does not make him a pervert, disrespectful, an infidel, disinterested in his lover or dissatisfied with his lover. It makes him human. It’s about fantasy, imagination, desire, lust. And what, please tell me, is wrong with that? Most men (women, too) can separate fantasy from reality. Do you think Jenna Jameson is going to fly off the screen and do to him what she’s doing onscreen? Not a chance, and he doesn’t think so, either. And if you believe he thinks so ... either you’re sorely underestimating his intelligence or you need to ask yourself, what in the world is a smart gal like you doing with a fool like him?

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Thanx happy. Not so much of an animal as u may assume, but whatever. That of course is a SHORT version of my story, as u must know, only limited space 2 type. But take from it what u may. I actually find it humorous. I'm too old to have a "superman" as u state. And he was never worn out. As I've learned from my few years dealing with this particular situation, is that it is something to look at when u come across people in your life whom r unwilling to take others feelings into consideration above something as "trivial" in life as porn. That's it! Not trying 2 make judgements or acusations, just putting it out there. Sex addiction is a "real" addiction wether people choose 2 believe that or not, just ask around, don't take my word for it. Most important is that I would never and would never want anyone 2 have to question or sacrifice their own self worth 4 something they might not like. By the way...He's in counseling right now dealing with his past and is much happier. Not 4 everyoneb

Huh, interesting little animal you are. I am not here to badger anyone’s opinion, apparently, you are. You almost sound as if you are protesting what you think people should agree with, maybe prove a personal point. (Wink, wink) Thumbs up, or down, it makes no difference to me and luckily I like a little controversy here and there. “Conversation granted”. I will state from “a” start: I believe when you’re warn out super man does absolutely nothing for you in bed; I believe, “porn is there to the rescue”. Brutal, but true! I admit, at one point porn was partially satisfying, only to later find out that I was unhappy with my current relationship. HA, what a coincidence. Obviously, people in my opinion that get sexually satisfied by watching “People engage in Human instincts” are lusting for what they are missing in there own lives. Well, I guess that makes no sense either. I do however agree with you in a few areas, those of which you chose not to speak from you’re dr

I am a 40 yr old woman and never in my life have I ever had an issue with a guy watching porn from time to time. I myself would watch with him from time to time. I on not many, but few occasions have gone to a strip club with my guy. So I know its not some insecurity on my part that I now have a completely different view on this porn issue. As somebody had stated, I think almost anything is ok in moderation. If a guy has 1 or 2 videos..not such a big deal, If a guy has 50 its something to question. If his computer is filled with porn....again that would be something to question. But the most important, is the lying about watching it! That's when it starts to hurt people. If u have no regard when your significant other tells you something is bothering her, then I start to wonder what YOUR problem is, NOT mine. Come to find out....He was abused as a child and was introduced to sex at an extremely young age. And as a result, has become a sex "addict" as an adult. Overuse can hurt people!!

I am a woman who builds websites that are geared mainly to women that are pornographic in nature. Does my husband have porn on his computer? Yes alot. Since we own link lists, blogs, and AVS sites that all deal in porn, we both have alot on the computer. I just finished going to a convention for adult webmasters. Did I feel self conscious about all those skinny little tanned models that were walking around? You betcha. Was I worried that my husband would prefer one of them to me? No way. Although we work in this industry, we have had a monogamous relationship for almost 10 years full of love and trust. That is the important thing. Maybe your hubby/boyfriend who is looking at porn is just curious. Maybe he needs a little stimulation to "get rolling." Maybe there are things that turn him on he is embarrased about. Or maybe you have a great relationship and that just adds some spice. Open up. Talk. Porn is not the great evil that some think it is. Vicky.

i am a women and i enjoy watching porn and so does my boyfriend. and yes we watch it together and i believe we have a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life. i realize that it is not for everyone and not all people like the same adult material. i am not going to make any assumptions on other womens feelings or views towards it. i will however say that i believe that it is important to communicate with your partner, let them know your likes and your dislikes. when you're in a relationship it is important to be on the same page... porn or no porn... some women choose not to watch it but do not mind if their partner watches it and some women are against it all together for who knows... perhaps the reasons listed in this article (religious reasons were not mentioned)... i would not be with my parther if we were not able to connect in most areas of our lives and if we were not able to accept eachother for our likes and dislikes.

Thanx happy. Not so much of an animal as u may assume, but whatever. That of course is a SHORT version of my story, as u must know, only limited space 2 type. But take from it what u may. I actually find it humorous. I'm too old to have a "superman" as u state. And he was never worn out. As I've learned from my few years dealing with this particular situation, is that it is something to look at when u come across people in your life whom r unwilling to take others feelings into consideration above something as "trivial" in life as porn. That's it! Not trying 2 make judgements or acusations, just putting it out there. Sex addiction is a "real" addiction wether people choose 2 believe that or not, just ask around, don't take my word for it. Most important is that I would never and would never want anyone 2 have to question or sacrifice their own self worth 4 something they might not like. By the way...He's in counseling right now dealing with his past and is much happier. Not 4 everyoneb

Huh, interesting little animal you are. I am not here to badger anyone’s opinion, apparently, you are. You almost sound as if you are protesting what you think people should agree with, maybe prove a personal point. (Wink, wink) Thumbs up, or down, it makes no difference to me and luckily I like a little controversy here and there. “Conversation granted”. I will state from “a” start: I believe when you’re warn out super man does absolutely nothing for you in bed; I believe, “porn is there to the rescue”. Brutal, but true! I admit, at one point porn was partially satisfying, only to later find out that I was unhappy with my current relationship. HA, what a coincidence. Obviously, people in my opinion that get sexually satisfied by watching “People engage in Human instincts” are lusting for what they are missing in there own lives. Well, I guess that makes no sense either. I do however agree with you in a few areas, those of which you chose not to speak from you’re dr

I am a 40 yr old woman and never in my life have I ever had an issue with a guy watching porn from time to time. I myself would watch with him from time to time. I on not many, but few occasions have gone to a strip club with my guy. So I know its not some insecurity on my part that I now have a completely different view on this porn issue. As somebody had stated, I think almost anything is ok in moderation. If a guy has 1 or 2 videos..not such a big deal, If a guy has 50 its something to question. If his computer is filled with porn....again that would be something to question. But the most important, is the lying about watching it! That's when it starts to hurt people. If u have no regard when your significant other tells you something is bothering her, then I start to wonder what YOUR problem is, NOT mine. Come to find out....He was abused as a child and was introduced to sex at an extremely young age. And as a result, has become a sex "addict" as an adult. Overuse can hurt people!!

I am a woman who builds websites that are geared mainly to women that are pornographic in nature. Does my husband have porn on his computer? Yes alot. Since we own link lists, blogs, and AVS sites that all deal in porn, we both have alot on the computer. I just finished going to a convention for adult webmasters. Did I feel self conscious about all those skinny little tanned models that were walking around? You betcha. Was I worried that my husband would prefer one of them to me? No way. Although we work in this industry, we have had a monogamous relationship for almost 10 years full of love and trust. That is the important thing. Maybe your hubby/boyfriend who is looking at porn is just curious. Maybe he needs a little stimulation to "get rolling." Maybe there are things that turn him on he is embarrased about. Or maybe you have a great relationship and that just adds some spice. Open up. Talk. Porn is not the great evil that some think it is. Vicky.

i am a women and i enjoy watching porn and so does my boyfriend. and yes we watch it together and i believe we have a healthy relationship and a healthy sex life. i realize that it is not for everyone and not all people like the same adult material. i am not going to make any assumptions on other womens feelings or views towards it. i will however say that i believe that it is important to communicate with your partner, let them know your likes and your dislikes. when you're in a relationship it is important to be on the same page... porn or no porn... some women choose not to watch it but do not mind if their partner watches it and some women are against it all together for who knows... perhaps the reasons listed in this article (religious reasons were not mentioned)... i would not be with my parther if we were not able to connect in most areas of our lives and if we were not able to accept eachother for our likes and dislikes.

I'm a woman, I like porn. I have no problem waltzing into the adult store and carefully screening the aisles for something that I would like to watch. If this makes me a pervert, well then I am a bonafide pervert. Sometimes I compare my skills to the females skills in the porn, but I am not scared that she is going to screw my man. Hey, I've tried most of the things I've seen in porn, if that makes me a bad person then so be it.

To the ladies on her wondering if it's right for a guy to continue watching porn if she doesn't like it: In my opinion, 100% yes. I watch porn, and my fiance knows it, and even joins in. I've broken up, or stopped seeing many women because they've allowed their insecurities to rule their life, and I don't want them ruling mine. I want to enjoy life and have a partner to share it with, not constantly worry about how I know have offended her delicate personality. Don't get me wrong, my soon-to-be-wife and I both have some insecurities, but they are about big things, things we all should ask ourselves. And we attack those insecurities when they arise by talking to each other. I don't care if she has guy friends, and she doesn't care if I have girl friends. And this is the exact reason why I love her so much - because life is better with her than without her. She's made me realize that insecurities that people refuse to face are their problems, not others.

"If something like pornography hurts a woman when she knows her husband is watching it, what should take precident? This was not addressed in your post - I'm interested to hear your answer." I think it was addressed rather well--I daresay it's probably the focus of the article. If your husband watching pornography "hurts" you, the question you need to ask is "why is this 'hurting' me?" What is it that bothers you so much about the situation? If it boils down to your own insecurities, then demanding that your husband change his ways is not only unfair to him, but unfair to yourself as well, as you aren't addressing the real issue or making any positive changes. If his porn watching habits are only causing waves in the relationship because you're making an issue out of it, you might do well to change your own attitude to accommodate his lifestyle, rather than expect him to change by default.

I've read through your argument on pornography. Your arguments based on the merits of how women found their men's pornography are not necessarily valid in most cases - I based this on information I have from another site. If you for me to inquire I will, but I don't feel it's worth my time to go through them at this point. You've left out an argument that I think is more important that solely the basis of "lighten up women about porno." That is this: "If two people agree to be in a relationship and one person doesn't agree with/accept pornography, is it OKAY for the other party to view it knowing full well that it hurts their partner?" It's one thing to argue the inalienable rights of each individual - but where do you cross the line in a marriage, or a long term relationship even? If something like pornography hurts a woman when she knows her husband is watching it, what should take precident? This was not addressed in your post - I'm interested to hear your answer.

If women really understood and used the power they have over us as expressed in porn - we men would be in serious trouble!

actually its interested what women really think about sex, and how frequently they picture or imagine sex, here is a blog about the percentage of modern women.. http://www.opentopix.com/topic/health/what‐women‐think‐about‐sex

Hi Kat. You asked a really great question- and the answer is yes. Since MOST porn is filmed and shot for a male audience the representation of both sexes varies greatly, obviously, from reality. Women on set are the focus of the shot, and depending on how hard the porn is, the shot will frame her breasts, genitals, and backside, a woman's face in the shot is typically secondary but important as it shows she's excited/feeling it. As for the men in TYPICAL SOFT/HARDCORE porn: they play a dual role. The are the "OTHER" as well as the "SUBSTITUTE". He is the other character in the scene that is either not paid as much attention to (as well as not paid as much as a woman) and/or is the SUBSTITUTE for the viewer. As porn is fantasy based, viewers will live vicariously through the actors (m/f). But it goes deeper. Men are also being degraded for the VERY same reasons women are: superficial reasons about size/performance drive 20 year-olds to buy Viagra, imitate what they see, etc.

Wow, all. Thanks for your comments. I haven't looked at this site in a while (I blog and write a column at the Marin IJ), and didn't realize there were so many comments. Clearly, it's an issue we all have an opinion about. I have a question, though — one reader (maybe more) mentioned how porn is degrading to women. My question is — men are also naked, and also having sex in porn. They're doing the same thing the women are (well, we can see more of what they're doing, anyway). Aren't men being "degraded," too?

Let me put it this way: Anyone who is psychologically screwed by porn had something wrong with them far before they started looking at porn. I am desensitized to violence. I am desensitized to sex. This has not changed the way I VIEW violence OR sex. I still think the use of violence is usually a bad thing, even though I can see someone get shot in the face and not be phased. In the same notion, I can still have a perfectly healthy relationship even though I masturbate to fetish films. As for the derogatory view of women in porn, all I will say is this: look at popular tv. It makes men look like morons. We're not that stupid, and yet you don't see us complaining now do you?