Who’s the Immature One? Ask the Man Shrink

Now let’s talk about whether your boyfriend even needs to change.

If you told me that he was irresponsible, I might have agreed that he’s avoiding reality. But it sounds like he’s very much an adult in the sense that he has a career, manages his money well, and treats you with love and respect. He doesn’t sound immature; you do.

Psychologist and author Ryan Howes says, “Intimacy starts with ‘I’.” This means that two people can have genuine intimacy only if they’re both being authentic. Collecting action-figures and blowing up strangers online is part of who your boyfriend is. If you insist that he change those things and he acquiesces, you won’t be getting a grown up. You’ll be getting a man who decided to shut down. If he stops doing the things he loves just for you, you’ll have an amoeba instead of a man, a pet instead of a paramour.

By no means do you have to share his excitement about Halo 3 and plastic hobbits. Pursue your own interests and leave him free to pursue his. This is a problem only if there aren’t things the two of you enjoy together. If he’s neglecting you and spending all of his time in the garage building models of the Starship Enterprise, then things need to change. Even if this is the case, your complaint should be that he doesn’t spend enough time with you, not that he’s a dork who needs to grow up.

You need to fall in love with someone who’s a little different than you are. Otherwise, you’re just loving yourself instead someone who’s separate and whole. Watching Battlestar Galactica doesn’t make someone immature; wanting to marry yourself in drag does.

You have two choices: (1) Let the guy have his fun while telling him that you want to spend time with him doing things you both like. (2) Dump him and find a guy who likes to . . . what? Watch the financial news? Check out swatches at Home Depot? Go moose hunting? Do you even know what “grown up” means to you? My hunch is that someone has hurt you by being immature and irresponsible. Regardless, I think this is more about you than him. Perhaps you’re the one who should give therapy a whirl.