Dear Man Shrink,
One year after being married to my second husband, he was involved in a horrible traffic accident. He suffered a traumatic brain injury. Most of the time he acts child-like. Sometimes he can be very dark, downright mean. Others don’t see this, and I don’t share. It is really my secret shame. This question is going to sound horrible, but here goes: what are my duties? (We do not have a sexual relationship. It has never been discussed, and I don’t want to. That almost sounds sick!) I have remained faithful, however it feels as though I have been sentenced to a life so incomplete. Doctor, my life, as it is, is hardly worth living, but could you imagine what people, not to mention God, would think of me? Today, it was just a thought. It is always a thought, but that makes me feel like such an awful person.—FG (Feeling Guilty)
Dear FG,
Your question does not sound horrible at all. In fact, if you didn’t have these fears and frustrations, you’d be a little weird.
You have suffered a tremendous loss. Think of it this way—a car accident took away the man you married, leaving you with a stranger. You signed up for a life of love and companionship, but feel like you got a life of servitude instead.
There is hope, however. Much can be done to improve your quality of life and his. First, we need to address your feelings of hopelessness. Let’s do this looking at the way you worded your question.
“It is my secret shame.”
You need to ditch both the “secret” part and the “shame” part. You can’t hide this problem in the name of saving face for yourself or your husband. Friends and family need to be aware of what you’re going through. Learn to rely on those who respond with empathy and support, while keeping a safe distance from anyone who’s judgmental.
As far as the shame goes, realize that you’ve been thrown into the deep end of the pool. Your feelings, even your revulsions, are normal. In fact, people in your situation who deny such feelings are either lying or a little bit twisted.
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