“What are my duties?”
That whole “for better or worse” thing came to collect early, and how. You do have a responsibility to your husband, but it’s going to be more helpful to think of it in terms of problem solving instead of “duties.” Your new marriage has a set of tremendous challenges. Though you need to explore different solutions to these problems, you cannot fix them alone or, worse, pretend they aren’t there. In this sense, your duty is to identify the problems while realizing that you won’t always be the solution.
“My life, as it is, is hardly worth living.”
When clients say this kind of thing to me, we play a little game of twenty questions to determine if they need a mandatory vacation to Casa de Psych Ward. Even if you’re not suicidal, you need help. The professional kind. Lots of it. Right now.
First, you need your own therapist. You need a listening, understanding ear that is not attached to the head of a friend or family member. You need someone who can help you make tough decisions without beating yourself up. And—this part is important—you need someone who can help you figure out how to improve your quality of life. There are also support groups for people in your situation. If you can find one, you’ll be able to work through this with people who have similar problems.
Your life is not over. It makes all the sense in the world that you feel that way, but it’s time to start redefining your life goals. Your marriage is not going to be anything like you planned. That warrants sadness and a time of mourning. Eventually, however, you have to find other things that excite you, that give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. You need something to work toward. This could involve anything from career to education to creativity to relationships to faith. Working with a therapist will help you redefine the meaning and purpose of your life.
That’s not to say, however, that things can’t get easier with your husband. He needs to be working with someone like an occupational therapist or a neuropsychologist. The brain is a pretty resilient organ. When one area of the brain is damaged, another area sometimes steps up and restores some of the lost functioning. Though your husband will probably will never be exactly like he was before the accident, there is a chance that his mood, social skills, and cognitive functioning can improve. But there must be someone helping him with this. You should also explore the possibility of a full or part-time nurse to help care for your husband.
PREVIOUS PAGE
