Since we’re supposed to learn from our mistakes, you’d think second marriages would have a better chance of success. They don’t. 60 percent of all second marriages also end in divorce.
According to Atlanta psychologist Doug Rosenau it doesn’t have to be that way. “Second marriages,” he explains, “can have a better chance than first ones, if you learn from your mistakes.”
Here are his right—and wrong—reasons for re-tying the knot:
1. We’re adults who can make a decision. Why wait?
Wrong. Marie, a computer consultant, says her second marriage ended because she really didn’t know her second husband. “Our first date was in April, and by December we were married. We were on a roller coaster to the top. But from there, it was all downhill.”
“Anything that moves that rapidly,” warns Rosenau, “is bound to come to a screeching halt.”
2. There aren’t many men out there. This may be my last chance.
Also wrong. “I remarried,” says Helen, an English teacher, “because I thought it might be my last chance to have a child.” Such a reason is understandable,” Rosenau says, “but it’s not a foundation you can build a relationship on.”
3. He’s not exciting, but he makes me comfortable.”
Right! “Don’t count on sex to carry you over the long haul,” Rosenau warns. “You should be looking for someone who makes you comfortable, not excited.”
4. He’ll make a good parent.
Wrong. “He’ll outgrow the role when the kids are gone,” says Rosenau. “Take care of yourself first. If our needs are met, your child’s will be too.”
5. He has problems left over from his first marriage, but I can help him change.”
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. “Never count on someone changing,” says Susan, an art gallery owner. “I married my second husband because I thought I could shape him up better than his first wife. I was wrong.”
6. We argue at times, but we always work things out.
Right! The ability to resolve disputes is important. “If your arguments are a way of resolving differences,” says Rosenau, “it’s a good sign.”
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