In the land of booze, there’s no doubt that sex sells. We’re used to seeing the half-clad woman on a billboard, covering her crotch with a bottle of vodka. But why do we combine drink names with sex? Is it because of the good laugh we all have when asking a hot bartender, “Can you make me a Spread Eagle?” Or perhaps it’s because of the close association between excess drinking and casual, completely uninhibited, downright dirty sex. Or maybe that’s just me.
Whatever the reason, these sexy drinks usually have outlandish names with disgusting, random, sugary ingredients—things that no self-respecting boozehounds would ever order or put down their gullet. But damn, they’re fun. Here’s a sampling:
Sex on the Beach (vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry, and orange juice)
This is probably the most notorious of all sexual innuendo drinks. But if you’ve ever had sex on the beach, you know two things: a) You have to be prepared and b) you’re rarely prepared. You need a blanket big enough to protect two semi-naked bodies from touching the sand, or else you’re getting sand in all types of orifices, making this a most uncomfortable (albeit unforgettable) screw.
But if you’re having sex on the beach, chances are you’re either a dirty, horny hippie, or completely shit-faced; in either case, you’re too stoned or drunk to remember—or care—about a blanket. You end up waking up with not only a hangover, but sand in all those orifices. Not to mention the condom. What to do with the used condom when you’re on a beach? Lord knows you didn’t bring a plastic baggy to the bar with you that night. You (not really you, but the wasted you) probably tossed that thing in the sand, so it can get wrapped around some unsuspecting child’s pinky toe while she’s flying a kite at the beach the next morning. Really, you should be ashamed of yourself.
This cocktail ain’t half bad, even if it is sweeter than your unpopped cherry, but the real sex on the beach is anything but. Proceed with caution.
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