Excuse Me, Bartender? There’s a Piece of Ass In My Drink

Slow Comfortable Screw (sloe gin, Southern Comfort, and orange juice)

Who doesn’t want a slow comfortable screw? You probably wouldn’t if you’ve ever had sloe gin, which is a nauseatingly sweet gin flavored with sloe plums, or Southern Comfort, the trailer trash’s version of a soda pop. After drinking a couple pintfuls of these, you’re less likely to be having a sloe comfortable screw and more likely to be having a blur of sugary, booze-induced sloppy sex. Really, have you ever had slow, comfortable sex when you’ve been wasted? I’m much more familiar with the sexy cocktail known as the Whiskey Dick (find man, add whiskey, watch penis turn flaccid.)

But if you are going for this theme, you might as well try a Long Slow Comfortable Screw Against a Wall (same as above, add vodka and Galliano), because walls always provide amazing back support when you’re about as alert as the dead guy in Weekend At Bernie’s. You might as well be dead; you just imbibed a four to one ratio of booze to mixer. And in case you have a thing for south of the border action, you could try a Slow, Comfortable Screw up Against a Wall in Mexico (same as above, add tequila). Because we all know that adding tequila to the equation makes everything mejor, no?

I really think sloe gin had a marketing hand involved in the creation of these recipes, because no one would drink the shit otherwise. And if you’re a real alcoholic, there’s no way you’d be able to remember all the adjectives involved in ordering a SCSUAWIM.

Piece of Ass (Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sour mix)

Anything with Southern Comfort as a main ingredient has to make you shake yer head. Sure, it’s good when you’re looking to spice up a diet coke (the Southern sorority sisters’ drink of choice), but it screams of two-bit hangover. And you can just picture the type of guy that orders a “Piece of Ass”: he’s got a huge chaw of tobacco under his gum, a piece of straw between his lips, and is wearing Wranglers so tight you could bounce a quarter off his thigh. He has a confident swagger, even though he stands about 5'3".