In the Wonderful World of Orgasms, is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

Let me preface this by saying I’m not a sexpert—I just play one in my head.

Let’s be honest, we’ve all faked an orgasm or two somewhere along the way. It’s an accepted practice among women (I think), and still a largely disbelieved and ignored concept among men. Why do we do it? Why don’t we just have this awkward conversation once and improve our sex life for the relationship-span of that partner?

Wikipedia says that a person usually fakes an orgasm to avoid causing feelings of sexual inadequacy in his or her partner. I’ll buy that. But after conducting a highly scientific focus group (an email to female friends), I learned that our reasons for faking it fit more than just one category. Here are just a few:

The Donna Summer: You work hard for your money. Really hard. Sometimes it has nothing to do with our partner’s performance. Instead, it has everything to do with us, and how hard we work to keep our lives going.

We’re busier than ever. Our lives are good, but they’re high-maintenance. We’ve got a lot that needs attention: demanding jobs, growing children, aging parents, spiritual needs, friends we never get to see, stressed-out bodies, hungry pets, dinners to be cooked, shopping to be done, degrees to be pursued, books to read…good God, I’m tired just typing it all. By the time we’re horizontal (in most cases) on a bed (sometimes) and in the dark (hopefully not all the time) we’re presented with basically two scenarios:

Scenario One (allow 19–22 minutes) Oh, yes, yes, yes! Please—what? Does it feel good? Well, actually, if you could do that a little harder. No, not that hard. Wait, that’s too soft. Um, no, that’s not working either…why don’t you try it with your other hand? You know what, honey, it’s just not gonna happen tonight. Of course, it’s not you, babe. No, I’m just tired. What? No really, we can stop now. It’s okay. I promise it’s not you. Please, can you stop? ‘Cause that’s kind of hurting. Ouch! I know I liked it yesterday but I don’t like it now. Wait—stop! Come back! (Cue slamming door.)

Scenario Two (allow 8 seconds) Oh yeah, that feels great, babe. Right there, right there! Yes! Yes! YESSSSSSS!!!!

I’ll take Scenario Two, please, for six hundred dollars. I want to be a good communicator, especially in this most intimate of connections. But when you’re in Donna Summer Mode, your calculations tell you that it will take way longer to explain why it isn’t working than it would to just fake it and that can be overwhelming when you’re exhausted. Depending on your partner, sometimes even the most loving dose of tact and sensitivity won’t soften the blow for them or help them understand why, or more importantly, why not.

Lest we forget: if your partner is a man, most of them have absolutely zero concept of sex without orgasm. Can you imagine? Every single time you have sex with someone you have an orgasm. What would my life be like? Glowing skin! Shiny hair! Flat abs! Probably even a Nobel Peace Prize! Can somebody get me a penis over here?

Ah, but I digress. My point is, sex without orgasm for a man is a cruel joke, like New Year’s Day without football or Heidi Klum wearing a floor-length muumuu in a Victoria’s Secret ad. It just doesn’t compute. He might never get it, and a white lie or two isn’t going to kill anyone.

Now, before you get pissed off and accuse me of setting back the women’s movement two hundred years for advocating submissiveness in the bedroom, let me say this: A white lie every once in a while is okay. A white lie all the time is a façade. A sham. A damn disappointment. Because you work hard for your money, Donna. You deserve an orgasm. Hell, why not three or four?

What to do?

Don’t bring it up in the bedroom, in the supply closet, in the back seat of the car, or wherever the action happens (or doesn’t happen). Maybe the best thing to do is talk about it in a non-sexual place, and you probably shouldn’t be naked. It might work to think about the solution you want (like trying a different time of day); then present it as an adventure not a problem.