In the Wonderful World of Orgasms, is Honesty Really the Best Policy?

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“Babe, remember how you wanted me to wear that beecatcher outfit? What if we tried it tomorrow morning? I have so much energy in the morning…I want to use it all on you.” Try to make it casual. Or as casual as discussing having sex in a beecatcher outfit during a commercial break during Law and Order can be.

The Philanthropist: We’re nurturing creatures. We want to spare our partner's feelings if it’s just not working, no matter what he or she tries. We’re also cheerleaders. We know that sometimes a great performance by us will help them get where they need to be. So we take one for the team. If this charitable act isn’t a regular thing, it’s probably OK.

Harry’s Teacher: this one applies only to those of us who have male partners. If you have a female partner, you’re really lucky. Because females know that not all of us can always have an orgasm from vaginal penetration.

I once had a conversation with a man that was scarily reminiscent of Harry in When Harry Met Sally. For convenience’s sake, we’ll call him Harry.

Harry’s chest was practically exploding with bravado when he told me that every single woman he’d ever been with had achieved an orgasm with absolutely no clitoral stimulation. First I laughed; then, on behalf of my gender, I tried hard to debunk this myth for him, bless his sweet little naïve heart. I cited statistics, I polled women in the bar where we were talking, I ran to a drug store to find a magazine—anything!—that would prove to him that this was unlikely, that someone along the way had faked it. But he wasn’t buying it. In fact, he told me I was probably just frigid or had been with inexperienced men. Wow, Harry. Your girlfriend must feel super-lucky.

Sadly, according to my informal focus group, I learned that most of us have been with our own version of Harry at one time or another. I’d like to think that most of them are well-meaning, caring guys that for one reason or another just haven’t read the instruction booklet yet, and obviously haven’t seen a Maxim Magazine since it came into publication.

So what do you do? Do you keep faking it? I think you get one Get Out Of Orgasm-Free Jail Free card and, after that, I say no, no, and hell no. If you’re with a committed partner, you owe it to him, to you and to the future of your relationship to tell him what feels good and what you want. Maybe his previous lovers were too lazy, didn’t care enough or just didn’t have the balls to have the conversation but, if you care about him—if you care about you—do it. Even if you’re in Donna Summer–mode, muster up the energy for a sexy little tutorial. Maybe even add a few toys to the mix, do a little demo for him, show him how you like it. (For those of you wrinkling your nose right now, what’s the problem? There’s no shame in the vibrator!)

If you’re not in a committed relationship, if this is just a one-time thing or someone you see no emotional future with, what’s the problem? Crack the whip! Why not practice a little on this guy? That way, when you’ve got someone you do see a future with in a nice tight vice grip with your thighs, you’ll be better prepared to give him a little 1-900-Y-O- U.

If things don’t work no matter what you try, you need to come clean without any gimmicks. No toys, no beecatcher outfits; nothing but you talking to your partner and being completely honest. You both might find the honesty a little painful, but once you’ve ripped off the band-aid, you’ll probably be on your way to the most satisfying and intimate sex of your life.