- He has never watched porn with another girlfriend, but he has watched it prior to being with me. (He later admitted that he might not have been totally honest with me in the beginning due to embarrassment.)
- He said he thought I was sexy and I had a hot body (Ok, honestly, I almost stopped here. Will we ever tire of hearing this?)
- He admitted this was an embarrassing conversation that he had never had with another girl, and, more importantly, he said he was actually glad after we had it.
- He said this would be a good time to tell me: he has caught me masturbating in my sleep. Several times.
Whoa. Ok, so the doors flew wide open at that point—masturbating while asleep? Talk about embarrassing. And remember, this has been for a year and a half. Oh boy.
So, after a few days I started thinking about all of this. And it comes down to a few things. We’re all sexual, and to be honest, we have many sides to this sexuality. We have our past, which really, only we know about. Someone else might piece it together with some serious detective work across years, partners, cities, and doctors, but it’s unlikely. We have the time we spend alone, which unless there are hidden cameras in the bedroom or in the mind, no one really knows that story either. And, we have the sexuality we share with a partner (yes, sadly this comes and goes and we are back to that alone time again). The partner part is only a slice of that sexuality.
The challenge is allowing that partner to have that slice without being intimidated or threatened by it. I believe that only comes with honesty and discussion. I realized that sex was a really hard thing to talk about with someone. But I also realized that by doing it, I unveiled some of my own baggage. I was raised with all girls whose only exposure to porn in any sense was accidentally finding my Dad’s Playboy stash. I was raised in a home where sex was to be avoided until marriage, and then it was something you figured out on your own. After stumbling my way past virginity and a few partners, I carried those ideas and thoughts with me. The years exposed me to the topics of abortion and diseases, which only made me want to avoid it altogether.
