My last boyfriend cheated on me—twice—while we were long distance. He was also the one who also told me I was sexually inadequate to him. That’s a lot to bring in to a porn history list on a computer on a Sunday afternoon. But without this event, my current partner and I would have just delayed or never had these discussions.
He too, admitted a few things. He said he is at heart traditional—his favorite position is missionary. He said he feels completely fulfilled. He said to him, when we have sex he sees me and us and our relationship as part of the act and because of that it is a deep emotional experience for him. He said the porn was a quick way to deal with being horny, and it was not anything to compare.
Later that week I was talking to my friend about the chain of events. She said “Oh God, that’s no big deal, everyone does it. Did you not have brothers?” She talked of her conversations with her husband (who does it too). I asked her if she felt threatened by it, and she replied, “Seriously? Threatened by a guy who watches two girls getting each other off with one hand on the laptop mouse and the other on his crotch? No way.”
She had a point.
But, my point was—can sex always be as he sees it now? Will it always be this deep emotional connection (with orgasm of course)? And when it isn’t, what then? I brought this up too, and if nothing else, I’m glad I found the porn so that we could have this conversation. I said at some point, the sex might get dull. And I need to know that my partner is someone who can talk about this and not reach out to his computer or another woman to solve it. I want to know that if I want to us to try tantric sex (which I read about in my yoga magazine and actually do want to try at some point) or ask him to do something for me that I won’t feel wrong or awkward.
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