Empowered by divorce

I met my first husband when I was 18 years old. He was a play by his own rules 23-year-old known playboy. In my eyes he was so cool. He had a good job unlike boys my age and that meant he could spoil me. I had flowers all the time. (I found out later that only meant he was guilty of something and trying to make himself feel better) We dated for four years before we got married. By the time we married I knew he had two children, one of them he tried to hide for a while. He had already cheated on me and given me a glimpse of a bad temper. I married him anyway because I had invested so much time into this relationship and I did love him with all of my heart. I knew deep down he loved me and he could learn to control some of his less desirable behavior.

A few months into our marriage I learned that he may have cheated again. He admitted that in the past he had cheated but not this time. We went to counseling and in my mind he was really trying to be good after all he did love me. Real life for him was hard to deal with. He liked to have fun and real life isn't always fun. He took a lot of his anger out on me. He never hit me so in my mind he didn't abuse me. He did however throw things at me and shake me. He belittled me every chance he got. It was only his way of not looking at his own problems. If I had the problem he didn't have to face his own. I was one heck of an enabler.

I found out I was pregnant and instead of being over the moon my first thought was now I can't leave him. Our son was born and I told my friends I was a single married parent because he was never around. That suited me fine anyway if he was around I would have to hear about what a loser I was. Not in those words but that's what it felt like to me. He even joked with me that he would never have to give me a divorce because no one would ever find my body attractive. It was a joke but one I took not too lightly.