How Can it Be?

I am so disappointed right now. Here I am, pregnant again, alone again, and for the first time, a swollen jaw and sprained knee. I don’t understand how things got like this, how I let myself get like this. I have so much going for myself and I let a worthless man do this to my family and me. I had a falling out with my boyfriend yesterday. Another argument blown up because he can’t control me the way he sees fit.

They’ve turned into violence before, times where I’ve been laying on the bed praying to god to save me and take me away from this situation as he’s standing over me threatening to mess my face up so that no one else will want me. We haven’t been together long, and I think after yesterday, I’m finally done, but the catch is, I’m carrying this grown boys child. I’m strong and I know I can do it alone, I’ve already don’t it once, but this time I don’t have the support of my family because I’ve let him force me to push them away, convinced that it would improve my life.

They can be so convincing. Convincing that they are right, that they want what’s best, and that things will get better if we just help them. It’s that public service person in me, the one that wants to rescue everyone and believes that I alone am capable of saving others. That screwed me this time.

Here’s the situation, we got in a fight and he was doing his worst to me, I bit him in self-defense. Now, explain to me why I called the police for protection and in exchanged I got taken away in handcuffs with a domestic assault charge?

I’m disappointed in myself and the system. I weigh a little over 100 pounds at 5’2” and his size is quite the opposite. I’m baffled. I guess that I knew that I would face emotional, mental, and sometimes physical ramifications from this relationship, but for some reason I convinced myself that that wasn't that bad. But, now that I’m risking an assault on my record, things have changed in my head. I am a teacher and have worked hard as a single mom to get myself through college. Now, just a few months out of school and a few weeks into a new job, the abuse I have faced is now jeopardizing my future in teaching.

Pray that I can beat it; pray that I can make it alone with two children and through another pregnancy alone.