Will It Ever End?

By: D Hamel (View Profile)

My son is failing school and she will not help him with his homework. He has ADHD and requires a lot of attention to get his work done. She refuses to lift the bond so we can talk about the divorce and the children. I also found that she ran up about $35,000 in credit card debt and cashed in her profit sharing money last year. We are flat broke and I have been ordered to pay all the bills and give her child support. I am very near bankruptcy.

She recently made another false accusation that I was talking to her and filed yet another police report. This all occurred after I refused to give her half of the tax return because I want to use it for paying down marital debt; also, my daughter Lauren finally had enough of her anger and forcing her to watch the other two children while she went out to the barn to see her friend. She just agreed on a trial basis with the Friend of the Court for joint fifty-fifty custody. We now exchange the children in front of the police station. I have no idea what the court is going to do with the police report; I told them my side of the story this time. 

Now she claims that the place we keep the horse, which is where her friend is, is $900 in back board. She was cleaning stalls at this farm to work off board and food, but I know this is a lie because she has been going there non-stop and has had phone calls with my children while I was with them about the birth of horses at this farm. My children have told me she keeps going out there and she has taken them with her ... She claims she has to give the horse to him to pay off the board. 

What she does not realize is a judge will order the horse to auction and take the proceeds from the sale and pay off the back board. This is also my daughter’s horse and that would break her heart. I told my daughter that I would do everything I can to save her horse. Her mom is going about this divorce the wrong way. She is so bitter it is clouding her judgment; I don't know how to get through to her to stop what she is doing and convince her that she is ruining our future together as parents. She keeps telling lie after lie and when she gets caught, it is going to cost even more money—money we don't have. How do I get through to her to stop what she is doing and just go through the divorce amicably, or does she just need to keep what she is doing until she feels I have been paid back? HELP!

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posted: 04.24.2008
LaaDeeDaa
FOLLOW-UP #3 - Check to see if your state has divorce MEDIATION - a wonderful process of guided communication between you & wife with a trained mediator. VA requires couples w/custody/visitation issues to TRY mediation first, before going to trial, and the earlier, the better. It does, however, like the proverbial "leading a horse to water," take TWO people who really WANT to reach agreement(s) on custody, visitation, and/or property division, etc. Hope these ideas & suggestions help, not just you, but ultimately, help your children as well. Good luck to you.
posted: 04.24.2008
LaaDeeDaa
FOLLOW-UP #2 If your atty does little but be put on the defensive, your wife will probably continue down this same angry path, w/o recognizing (or caring) that she while she may be hurting you now, she is doing the most of her destruction to your children. The other party and/or her lawyer needs to be "slapped down" by either a judge or strong atty who represents you & your interests. If your atty has not started the discovery process, ask your atty why not. If you are not satisfied w/response you get from your lawyer, seek other counsel - immediately!! Call your local bar association (in county where you live OR your state Bar Assn) & see if they have attorneys who do divorce cases on a reduced fee or sliding scale. They do exist!!! MORE follow-up . . .
posted: 04.24.2008
LaaDeeDaa
FOLLOW-UP #1: Wife should be asked and therefore, answer, Interrogatories which are written questions posed to your wife about almost anything: what she believes caused the demise of the marital relationship; identity of the male friend or friends, nature of their relatipnship, incl. whether it included sexual intercourse (in some states, proven adultery is an absolute bar to spousal support for the adulterer); finances that she knows about but that you may not yet; what medications & amts she has been prescribed & why, what meds she is not taking, & why, etc. The answers are submitted in writing, under oath, by your wife. You didn't mention any AFFIRMATIVE action your atty is taking/has taken on your behalf. If your atty takes a strong, affirmative stance on your behalf, wife may start to quiet down. Rite now, it sounds like she and/or her lawyer is/are running the show. Don't let them - and be strong - there will be an end to it all. MORE . . .
posted: 04.24.2008
LaaDeeDaa
Yours, indeed, is a very sorry story, and unfortunately, all too common. I have been a divorce atty in Virginia for nearly 20 years. I write for you & whoever else out there is being manipulated during a divorce, particularly when, as here, there are children involved. You didn't mention what state you live in, but most states have certain things in common in litigation, even if they use different terminology. Your atty should be doing what's typically called "discovery" - getting the other side to produce requested documents (i.e. financial docs in her possession, certain records, medical docs, school report cards for children, correspondence w/ or from a paramour, list of what was purchased w/that $35K, etc. More info in follow-up comment.
posted: 04.20.2008
Sean Lee
My situation is not as bad as yours but the lies are about even. A good lawyer that is in your best interest may do some harsh things, but if it's done in the proper plan of things, it might settle her down. As for the horse, this is a time when material things however precious they might be to us and our kids are not as important as the love you continue to communicate to your kids. Tell them you love them all the time and hug them and kiss them and cry if you feel like crying. Let them see you and how vulnerable you are to all this too is something that your kids need to know. I have turned to spiritual things to bring my kids love working and teaching them how to meditate and pray for better things in life. I have let go of the drama my ex is trying to pull, and when necessary, I contact my lawyer to have her address the lies/crap my ex is trying to create to make her look good. Most of all, I focus on how I treat my kids and what I do when I'm with them.
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