Will It Ever End?

By: D Hamel (View Profile)

I am a forty-three year old male who is going through a divorce that is unbelievable. My soon-to-be ex-wife started a relationship with a man where she boarded our horse. I want to believe that there was no sex involved, but everything points to her having an affair. We were going to marriage counseling and I thought everything was going well until she went off her medication and started screaming and yelling. I told her that day that I was done and wanted a divorce. What she did next was unreal. 

During the argument, she hit me with her car keys, cutting my neck. I told her she could go to jail for that; she said go ahead, it will be the last time you ever did that. I went on a business trip that day and when I got back, I found out she had filed a domestic violence charge against me for allegedly raising my fist in anger and spitting in her face. I had gone to see a divorce attorney but I did not file for divorce. I could not bring myself to doing that to our three children. We have a four-year-old, a twelve-year-old, and a sixteen-year-old. My attorney told me not to go and talk to the police because they would arrest her for cutting my neck with the keys. Little did I know that was a bad move …  

I was arraigned, thrown out of the house with only the clothes on my back. A bond was set with no contact with my family whatsoever. My world was turned upside down. I was allowed back in the house by my spouse to get my clothing and some personal items. While I was in the house, I wrote notes to my two oldest children stating their mother had had me arrested and I could not come home. I told them I was sorry this was happening and told them I loved them very much. 

Two weeks later, I went to court to get the bond amended to see my children. I was an emotional wreck. My attorney came in and said the judge was not happy with me about the notes. Yes, she not only told the judge I was in the house but she produced the notes. I filed for divorce that day. Now that we’re going through this divorce, she refuses to get the bond lifted so we can talk. 

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posted: 04.24.2008
LaaDeeDaa
FOLLOW-UP #3 - Check to see if your state has divorce MEDIATION - a wonderful process of guided communication between you & wife with a trained mediator. VA requires couples w/custody/visitation issues to TRY mediation first, before going to trial, and the earlier, the better. It does, however, like the proverbial "leading a horse to water," take TWO people who really WANT to reach agreement(s) on custody, visitation, and/or property division, etc. Hope these ideas & suggestions help, not just you, but ultimately, help your children as well. Good luck to you.
posted: 04.24.2008
LaaDeeDaa
FOLLOW-UP #2 If your atty does little but be put on the defensive, your wife will probably continue down this same angry path, w/o recognizing (or caring) that she while she may be hurting you now, she is doing the most of her destruction to your children. The other party and/or her lawyer needs to be "slapped down" by either a judge or strong atty who represents you & your interests. If your atty has not started the discovery process, ask your atty why not. If you are not satisfied w/response you get from your lawyer, seek other counsel - immediately!! Call your local bar association (in county where you live OR your state Bar Assn) & see if they have attorneys who do divorce cases on a reduced fee or sliding scale. They do exist!!! MORE follow-up . . .
posted: 04.24.2008
LaaDeeDaa
FOLLOW-UP #1: Wife should be asked and therefore, answer, Interrogatories which are written questions posed to your wife about almost anything: what she believes caused the demise of the marital relationship; identity of the male friend or friends, nature of their relatipnship, incl. whether it included sexual intercourse (in some states, proven adultery is an absolute bar to spousal support for the adulterer); finances that she knows about but that you may not yet; what medications & amts she has been prescribed & why, what meds she is not taking, & why, etc. The answers are submitted in writing, under oath, by your wife. You didn't mention any AFFIRMATIVE action your atty is taking/has taken on your behalf. If your atty takes a strong, affirmative stance on your behalf, wife may start to quiet down. Rite now, it sounds like she and/or her lawyer is/are running the show. Don't let them - and be strong - there will be an end to it all. MORE . . .
posted: 04.24.2008
LaaDeeDaa
Yours, indeed, is a very sorry story, and unfortunately, all too common. I have been a divorce atty in Virginia for nearly 20 years. I write for you & whoever else out there is being manipulated during a divorce, particularly when, as here, there are children involved. You didn't mention what state you live in, but most states have certain things in common in litigation, even if they use different terminology. Your atty should be doing what's typically called "discovery" - getting the other side to produce requested documents (i.e. financial docs in her possession, certain records, medical docs, school report cards for children, correspondence w/ or from a paramour, list of what was purchased w/that $35K, etc. More info in follow-up comment.
posted: 04.20.2008
Sean Lee
My situation is not as bad as yours but the lies are about even. A good lawyer that is in your best interest may do some harsh things, but if it's done in the proper plan of things, it might settle her down. As for the horse, this is a time when material things however precious they might be to us and our kids are not as important as the love you continue to communicate to your kids. Tell them you love them all the time and hug them and kiss them and cry if you feel like crying. Let them see you and how vulnerable you are to all this too is something that your kids need to know. I have turned to spiritual things to bring my kids love working and teaching them how to meditate and pray for better things in life. I have let go of the drama my ex is trying to pull, and when necessary, I contact my lawyer to have her address the lies/crap my ex is trying to create to make her look good. Most of all, I focus on how I treat my kids and what I do when I'm with them.
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