Why is it that we always feel compelled to live our lives according to our husbands, children, friends, etc.? I’ve been married for twenty-three years and for the majority of that have been very unhappy. I love my husband, but I’m not in love with him—does that make any sense at all? We do not have a perfect marriage, but who does? But ours is not even an okay marriage. We’ve had major problems since the beginning, but I chose to ignore them and continue to be a trooper.
My mom and sister are both, for lack of a better word, sluts. They bounce around from man to man, hoping to find someone that’s better than the last, but will put up with their crap. And I had decided a long time ago that, as bad as things were, they couldn’t be worse than being like them. I tried so hard to be opposite of them, that I ended up hurting myself, my husband, and my children. I pretended to have this life that I thought I could continue in forever, but I was just kidding myself. Everyone who knows me knows how my marriage is because I don’t keep anything inside. I talk to anyone who will listen. They all tell me how proud they are of me for being so “strong.” I hear constantly how they think that I am the strongest woman they know, but I don’t think I really let them know me.
About five years ago, I finally gave up. I felt all of my emotions just drain from me. I told myself that as soon as my youngest kids turned eighteen, I was outta here. I wasn’t gonna try anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce and that I wasn’t in love with him anymore. For him, that was a wake-up call. He started changing. But for me, it was the beginning of the end. I didn’t care how hard he was trying. My love was gone. From the outside world, everything looked the same, but for me, everything was changing quickly. I couldn’t wait for those years to go by. I kept hanging on because I thought it was best for my kids.
And then, I met someone. For a long time, I just daydreamed about him. He was always in my thoughts, day and night. We had a great connection as friends. We had so much in common. I can talk to him about anything, and he with me. There was nothing going on between us for years, but I kept getting closer and closer to falling in love with him and he didn’t even know it. I mean, I would flirt with him and say things to him, but he thought it was just my personality. Which it kinda is. I am a flirt, but I’ve never said or done things to anyone like I did with him!
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