Everyday is a new struggle. From trying to forget his touch, to forcing myself not to call him. Every night I try harder to let go of the memories. To stop saying his name in general conversation. To will myself to not imagine his scent. But it never works.
It doesn’t matter that I want to wake up one morning and be cured. Because his name is engraved in my heart. Even though he’s said it’s over between us. I won’t let go. Sad ain’t it? Loving a man so much you won’t accept no for an answer.
It saddens me to no end that what we had is really gone. Like paper blowing in the wind, our love is gone.
But something happened today. Today, I stopped fighting the blues, and wallowed in it. I was at home, and it was so quiet. I absolutely hate quiet. So I put my earphones in and listened as “Back Down Memory Lane” reminded me of everything I never wanted to remember. And I cried through “Crazy, Breaking Dishes,” and some suicidal song about following the fire in the sky to heaven. And I thought, woman are you crazy!? I wasn’t just crying though. I had gotten angry thinking about all that I’d surpassed to love this man. All the hurt he put me through.
Just then I had an epiphany. I thought, here you are, with your silly self, STILL loving a man who never loved you. And I stopped. I turned on my happy music (songs like Alicia Keys’ “Juiciest,” Fergie’s “Labels or Love,” and Jennifer Hudson’s “All Dressed Up in Love”) and danced and sang and laughed like a fool. And it felt good.
So from now on, I’ll start my day with noise, happy music, singing, and dancing like crazy because beyond anything else I’ve ever done, it makes me truly happy.
